I don’t know how exactly to describe what this is. It’s a sort of biography I guess, an auto-biography. I know for a fact that my life is no where near the worst experience someone can have. I don’t mean to act as if it is. I know I have a lot to be grateful for, and don’t get me wrong, I am grateful. That doesn’t seem to stop the darkness in my mind though. It just gets so hard to explain to people sometimes what I mean when I’m speaking, so this is to help that a little.

If I’ve spoken to you, or if you’ve seen my comments, you have probably seen me talk about my mom. I’ll start with the fact that she’s not biologically mine, that’s important before I get into anything. When I say “mom” I mean my mom now, when I say “mother” I mean the one who birthed me and ran off. Also, I don’t plan on finishing it all in this blog. There’s a lot to talk about, so that’s why this is pt. 1. You might notice how, how to put this-contrasted?-my words are, one minute saying one thing, another going with another idea. Sorry, this is honestly just how my brain works and it’s annoying, I know.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

I’m from Minnesota, not sure which part, and I lived there till I was five. I lived with my dad, my three brothers, my half brother(on the mother’s side), and my bio mother. I don’t really remember her, she was gone so soon. My half-brother had a best friend, and he had a rough home life, so he was staying with us so we could “take care of him”. He and half-brother were about twelve. Our mother got in trouble a lot, and the reason really makes me mad, might make you mad-or sad-as well. I was told that one time me and my brothers were even placed in foster care. Anyway, she got arrested when I was three, and for what you may ask? Molesting a child. Not even just any child. My half brothers best friend. this had been going on for a long time. I’ll never understand it. Was it really worth destroying that boy’s life and mind? Was it worth abandoning her own kids? Were we worth so little to her? You can even find her on google, though I won’t say her name because that would be a terrible idea.

Not only this, but also turns out that she’d been cheating on our dad, with her boss. I even remember the guy and his two daughters. She was giving him all kinds of money. TONS of money. This happened to leave us with nothing when she was arrested. We couldn’t pay our bills so eventually we had no water, heat, etc. Honestly, at least we had the stupid house. There was no food either, and no money to get any often. Our meals were usually things like canned Spaghetti-os and pizza cooked on the grill outside. Not that I cared, I was three-to-five years old and I never liked our mother anyway, all she did was yell and hit us, even locking us outside the house on occasion. Somehow it was different when our dad hit us, because he was all we had. No matter how many times he beat us we would still love him, because he stayed. He’d hit us until we could no longer cry or scream, then he’d start crying and apologizing that he didn’t know what overcame him.

Eventually we moved, we got kicked out of the house-and the state pretty much. We moved over to Washington, which was where our dad’s parents lived. We moved in with them, living wherever they did because they moved a few times. We(me and my brothers) met my mom for the first time in one of these houses. We lived in Maple Valley at the time, possibly the best house we’d ever lived in, if only we’d gotten to stay. Anyway, our dad was dating her at the time and took her over to meet us, his kids. I was absolutely enthralled; she was so kind and gentle, two things that were completely foreign to me. I still have the stuffed cat she gave me, and it was the first thing I was ever given that wasn’t a hand me down and wasn’t something I’d have to share. She was the most amazing person I’d ever met. She was always taking me and my brothers down to the park or to her house. That was my favorite place, her house(now mine too). She always took us over there to watch movies and bake.

At this point we no longer lived in Maple Valley. My grandfather was sick and so they were moving away, and we couldn’t live with them anymore. We moved into an apartment building in Bremerton. At this point I was almost seven, about to start first grade. Though, I didn’t get far into first grade before leaving again to a new school. See, me and my brothers were a mess. We fought a lot, like, biting, hitting, screaming. Everything you don’t do in an apartment. This eventually got us kicked out, again, only this time we had nowhere to go. My two oldest brothers were to go live with our grandparents, and me and the youngest brother, who had health issues, were to go to foster care. I remember when I found out, I cried all night. I was crying my eyes out and hoping my mom(who at the time was simply dad’s sort-of-not-really-anymore girlfriend)would let me live with her. Looking back at this, you’d think that’s ridiculous, why would that even happen? But to a small child, why couldn’t it?

Well look what happened. My mom was heartbroken that she couldn’t just take us all, but she has her own health problems and wasn’t able to deal with us all. She especially felt bad about my youngest brother. She decided to take me though, so clearly I was the lucky one. I’ll never stop being amazed by that.

It was heaven compared to the apartment. The apartment where there was nothing ever to eat. Ketchup sandwich anyone? Bowl of cereal with water because we don’t have milk? Oh wait, there’s no cereal. Ketchup on a hot-dog bun it is! There wasn’t even any furniture. There were two bedrooms, so me and my youngest brother got one, and the two other brothers got the other. Or dad slept in his armchair in the living room. We had no beds, so we slept on the floor. There was no table, or couch, or literally anything except dad’s chair and the TV/old X-Box(thank god for that thing). I went from this to a house where there was foooooood. Not to mention I had a room, with a bed. And a dresser! She actually bought me clothes!!!

This sounds like a fucking Disney movie. “Girl has shit life, and just as it’s about to get worse, she gets saved!”  Except what they don’t add is what all happens later. I’m gonna stop for now though, I’m really tired and so I’ll continue this soon. Til then, bye.