For some stupid dumb reason am having an attack of the depressive teary moments not wanting to face the truth that I am lonely and lonely because of my high expectations on relationship with the opposite sex. That they don’t do the things I don’t want them to do which borders on being a saint!
AND IT’S ALL ON THE OUTSIDE…rather than a balance of both! So what I do..is choose men that will never be able to reach those expectations and are emotional unavailable due to baggage…just like me up until right now…that shocks me. What have I been thinking and doing and actually seeing it makes me feel very glad, uncomfortable, powerful and terrified as I know that this world is becoming bigger and brighter rather than smaller and darker…
Internally I have completely missed the mark and the truth is that I reject my own self so I am not great at accepting or rejecting others and to have to face this alone sacres me and makes me feel sick. To face the rest of my life alone because I am scared to let someone clse, to be my true creative self, to stop judging imperfections in view of reaching expectations…maybe today – the tears would stop.
I don’t trust to not be hurt, judged, abandoned or abused again… up until now. Saying it out loud and knowing that someone is hearing it makes me feel a little better. Strange…a good friend of mine said he could see it in my eyes… this past hurt has been here my whole life and he sees it. That makes me feel good. I feel that it is something I can deal with. It makes me angry though and scared of what has happened to accept and move into it.
It is not worth the tears of frustration and darkness today or any other day.