I just recently turned 13 and I am struggling with how to come out to my parents. On top of being pansexual and not knowing how to come out, I am also ’emo’ (i really hate that term). My mom doesn’t like that I stand out at school and in public, with my new hair color everyday, all black outfits, chains, dark makeup, and multiple piercings. She doesn’t approve of my taste in music (rock, punk, metal) and friends (emo, goths, scenes). My parents both do not want me and my siblings being LGBT. I’m afraid that if I tell them right now, they will say it’s just a phase. But, it’s not, it’s really not! I have felt this was for many years, but only just recently admitted it to myself and a few close friends. I don’t know what to do. I cry myself to sleep almost every night now. The nights I’m not crying, I wake up from nightmares. My mom is very snoopy, so she looks through my text messages every night. So, when I am talking to my friends about my depression, my mom is always like “stop pretending to be so depressed!” Also, since she checks my phone, I have to talk to my friends over the phone and away from where anyone else can hear me. My younger brother (10 years old) already knows that I am pansexual because we tell each other EVERYTHING. On top of all of this, I have OCD, ADHD, severe Agoraphobia (anxiety disorder), trust issues, and multiple other anxiety disorders. I really just need some LGBT friends and advice…
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Do you live in a city or town large enough to have support for LGBTQ youth? They can be WONDERFUL resources! Does your school have a GSA (gay straight alliance) group? Nobody has to know why you joined or what your gender identity or sexuality is. Have you considered therapy from a LGBTQ friendly therapist? (Might help your parents think that you’re “dealing with” that depression thing?) Everything you tell them is confidential. Try
www psychologytoday com/us
and choose “find therapist” & read their bios. If they’re LGBTQ friendly they’ll list that.
I’m just brainstorming based on my own kids’ experiences (1 cisgender straight, 1 non-binary maybe bisexual, 1 cisgender bisexual, 1 transgender bisexual). What’re the odds, eh?) Our city has a really really good organization focusing on the needs of the LGBTQ community & provides everything from info to condoms to education to counseling to medical care to hormone treatment to referrals for gender-related surgery. Sometimes these organizations tend to be located near larger colleges or universities, but hey, that means they’re probably on a bus line or something.
Just know that you’re normal! You’re just who you’re meant to be. Even if we keep evolving as we grow & age. And hey! I’m 55 & my hair is currently pink as cotton candy. A few months ago I was in the hospital for a medical problem & my hair was purple. A neurologist, after evaluating me in my hospital room turned to leave, then stopped at the door, turned back to me & said, “You have funny hair.” I gave him my most withering look. Then he left.
Has any of this helped at all? YOU ARE NOT ALONE & things won’t feel like this forever.
Thank you so much! This helped a lot, actually! I know I’m not alone in this journey now! I will use the website you sent me 🙂 It’s sad to say, but my school does not have a GSA. My city doesn’t have a LGBTQ youth group, that I know of. But, I will keep looking for something! Thank you for the wonderful advice! 🙂
This is her mom checking in as a parent should on a 13 year old. This child of mine, doesn’t wear dark makeup (or any for that matter, she thinks it’s a waste of time and energy LOL), doesn’t have any excessive piercings (one in each ear from when she was 3), and doesn’t cry herself to sleep (or hardly ever for that matter). She listens to the same music, for the most part that both her dad and I do ( I listen to more pop than she does for sure). She isn’t one to stand out – she likes to blend in for the most part. Her hair color – yeah it’s the same as her DNA made it…with the exception of when she uses the hair stuff that I GOT FOR HER because it’s hair…and we’re all stuck at home…why not have some fun with hair? As far as her sexuality – she has an entire lifetime to assign a value to that. First she needs to figure out who SHE is and how to be honest to that at all costs….which includes not taking advantage of other people who might not know any better that she is being less than truthful. I hope that anyone else who reads this message is able to also be true to themselves, honest with who they are and have an amazing and happy life…no matter what that looks like. Period. I will be deactivating/locking her out of this account until she can stop telling others less than the truth…