My husband and I have been together for 18 years. I love him deeply but felt over the last year that he was pulling away from me. I thought he was having an affair. This caused me to slip into myself emotionally. I withdrew completely thought about suicide and just went numb. In January I met a man and left my husband. I didn't really like the man but I wanted someone to love me. I felt like if someone loves me it would be okay and I'd stop hating myself. Over the next couple months my husband kept trying to work things out with me. I thought it was all a ruse because he didn't really love me. I mean how could he when I didn't even love myself? I found out that he hadn't been having an affair but he had been using drugs to control a back pain condition and that had been all the secrecy that I thought was an affair. When we were split up for the couple months he met a woman and was seeing her. We decided to work things out and he broke it off with the woman. I just can't seem to release my feelings of anger and self hating. When he touches me I picture him with her. When he kisses me I picture him kissing her. I am having nightmares every night of him with her. I cry every chance I get. I started taking lexapro. I got a gun permit. I stockpiled all the pain killers I could. I planned to either pull out in front of a semi on the interstate or check into the hotel he was with her in in the same room and end my life. I have never felt so down. I am trying to take it one day at a time. Everything is a reminder for me though. I don't drive by the hotel they were together in but I can't avoid his work or the restraint he took her to. I find myself cyberstalking her and driving by her house every chance I get. I don't know what I'd do if I ever saw her. My husband has been very transparent with his accounts online and cell phone since then. We renewed our vows and got matching tattoos with each other's names on them. We are planning to move out of state next month. I just hope the move comes before the pain in my heart becomes too much to bear. I don't want to hurt my family or my husband but this self hating and heartache is tremendous. I wonder how others have learned to cope?

2 Comments
  1. ancientgeekcrone 6 years ago

    I hope you have therapy options. I think the self hate needs to be delt with, it is corroding your life.

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  2. Star2015 6 years ago

    Thank you all for your comments. I'm trying to allow this blog to help me release some of this from inside me. 

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