2 days of crying and drinking and I still can't shake this feeling. I can't even go lay in my bed because there is someone there who is going to want some explanation. The last thing I need is to be looked at by someone who says they love me when they have no idea what they're talking about. He doesn't even know me, and if he did he would have been smarter than he has. I'm so tired of holding thses grudges. I could easily make all of this on myself, but what good is blaming myself if I can't punish myself for it too? I don't want to sleep because I know I will eventually wake up and still feel the same. I just want to stop, I wish I could just will my heart to stop beating altogether. That would make it easier on us all. There wouldn't have to be any explaining away what happened, it would be deemed a "natural" death if my heart juat stopped. There would be no stigma left behind for the already embarrassed and burdened to carry. They still wouldn't understand that this isn't some half thought out choice that I made because I didn't get my way, this a well thought conclusion born out of desperation. I never take the fact that I don't want to live lightly. I don't pretend that when I am gone there won't be tears and sadness.That there won't be at least one person who wishes they could have done something to save me from myself but I also know that they will go on and llive and everything will be fine after a while. Time will heal whatever hurt I leave behind for them but it won't do the same for me. I know because I have waited and waited, I asked for help, I prayed, took pills, I talked about it. I didn all the things they said would help me but I don't feel any better. If this were cancer and they tried all they could offer they would not only leave me to die with dignity they would want to make me comfortable, and they would want me to know that I and they had done all they could, and that it was ok for me leave a life of sickness and pain behind. So why can't I have the same? Why is my suffering so different? Why is my hurt deemed so minimal that I have to shrug it off? Why am I deemed a coward because I can't withstand the pain?

2 Comments
  1. borntired 9 years ago

    time does heal wounds but never completely. i know a dear family that i used to babysit for and their father committed suicide and it has really messed up the kids, my brother died in a car accident when he was 18 and it nearly broke up my parents marriage, and to this day 25 years later, on the day he died and his birthday they have a really hard time.

    now having said all that i was right where you were last december, the only thing that kept me from killing myself was my parents, i didn't want to put them through it again, even knowing how messed up that familiy was i was willing to put my family and children through it….thankfully a very dear friend came and intervened because my husband didn't realize how serious i was and how bad my depression was

    are you seeing a psychiatrist, a counselor? i have been greatly helped by both in the last few months, i was being treated by my family practice doc before that and he just didn't understand the depression other than to throw depression meds at me

    hugs to you

     

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  2. Aswa 9 years ago

    as much as i've played at suicide in my life it is a selfish act in my opinion. it takes courage to come through such dark times and live on. i hope things start looking better for you soon. i have been where you are and it is not a nice place. take care, Aswa.

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