so this may all seem really overwelming, but man i'm really overwelmed!!! but it's really awesome!! i have to say it's great right now the way i feel so inspired. wow… so i moved again, to indianapolis on sunday. i was living in wv you know, and i move all the freakin time, always looking for oportunity and change and somewhere that will help me and everything because trust me i'm a nut  i need to find somewhere that helps me and also somewhere i can feel free to be myself. i'm not saying this is the place by any means, but right now i am so content it's ridiculous. i miss my girlfriend so bad, i miss her smiling and laughing and i miss her kisses and i miss my mom and the other animals at the house, i even kind of miss my job a little, but i miss my old job before that the most… but what i'm saying you know is that i did pray my sacred prayer several times to my HP where i'm begging and begging for a sign, something, anything to help guide me through life you know… and i guess now i am beginning to have faith in this HP!! i have always, but wow i need to remember these moments, i never forget them, ever, but i know i need to be so grateful for things you know. but i feel so bad because i feel so happy, i feel selfish because kristen, i left her behind? should have i stayed?? but i know i have to find myself, actually create myself and who i need to be ,  who i want to be to feel better in my skin. i haven't used in almost a month now!! again!! this always happens, i get months here and there, but i am proud of myself everytime. but anyways i'm writing because i'm doing something that makes me happy, i'm being myself and i'm living one day at a time, not thinking about tomorrow, trying not to let the sadness of missing home and everyone get to me, trying not to dwell man. i went to the mall today and there's this awesome shop where they sale skirts and bob marley and i just love iiiittt LOL and i got this bob shirt that matches my bob hoodie kristen got me last week. i got these hand warmers that are so cool.. god do i sound gay…oh well i am … lol but i went to the book store and got a book that i've been dying to read for years now, and my sister's friend came in from wisconsin who i haven't seen since san fran, cali when i was 15. it was really nice to see her and chat you know. she also got me a book that is about near death experiences because i told her this loooong story about some of mine. i've been filling out applications everywhere and hopefully someone will call you know because the holidays are coming up and everywhere is hiring for more employees. anyways when i read, it makes me want to write!! and i love writing, that's why i want to stay clean so bad because my dream is writing you know, and maybe, possibly, my HP is setting something up for me right now, tonight, you know…LOL I probably sound so insane but it's funny cuz i don't really mind anymore since i know i'm crazy and i have to be crazy and be who i am to be who i want to me. i'm going to start figuring out what meetings are close to me because my sis will be taking me you know and i don't want her to drive allll the way downtown, but she's been letting me drive!! and i'm going to take my drivers test on friday so tomorrow i'm really going to study for that you know. but i just felt like i really needed to write you know. i'm going to start writing a journal kind of, something where i can write whatever i need to, without anyone reading it…because i don't have anyone to talk to anymore, back when i had my own place i had people in meetings, my sponser, and i saw my therapist once a week. she used to pick me up on the way to work every wednesday, she was so sweet. she and i go back when i was 18 when i got out of jail and i lived in this ghetto ass place that had rats and i was still shooting dope and she was still so nice to me and helped me get into rehab you know, i really miss her a lot. i should call her tomorrow and tell her i'm doing ok. anyways, lol i'm going to finish reading this book and maybe start on the next one. i'm so happy right now i love it, i wish these moments didn't fade away so fast you know, sometimes they fade away and my world gets dark, but i know if i stay postive i'll have more you know. i could write forever about how grateful i am right now!!! this wireless internet is really good too, for the first time i'm not stealing it off the neighbors, barely having any signal!! my sister pays for it LOL anyways, love you all, hope all is well my friends…

 

peace + love,

ashley

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