This is my first time reaching out. I’ve always wanted help but I can’t ask for it. I’m a secret addict. I’m addicted to adderall and vodka. I’ve been addicted to adderall for almost 10 years and vodka for about 4 years. I don’t stay up for days or anything like that. I don’t start drinking when I wake up but I’m still an addict. The longest I’ve gone is a month sober. Nobody in my life has a clue. Not even my significant other. He knows I like to drink by doesn’t think I have a problem. I often hide the amount that I drink. I have a high tolerance. I will combine the two for a few days to a week and get fed up and become sober for about a month. I love being sober. That’s when I’m my happiest. But all of a sudden I become overwhelmed with the daily duties of being a mom/wife. I try to keep my house tidy, keep kids on top of school, cook healthy meals and make sure everyone takes their vitamins. I rescue animals when I can. All of this becomes too much for me so I revert back to adderall for extra energy. It always leads to drinking vodka. It’s been 4 or 5 days. My chest hurts and I’m extremely depressed. I know it’s going to be hard for the next few days. I have to get used to “normal” energy again. I’m scared. I don’t want to die but I don’t know how to stop for good. Any advice is welcome. am I the only addict that works this way? My whole life is a secret and it makes for a lonely life.
I completely relate to everything. I’m a medical professional, respected person in my community, yet, I’m secretly falling apart. I feel like a hypocrite. I carry so much shame and guilt. I swore I’d NEVER become an addict. What the hell have I allowed and am I doing to myself? My plan is to start weaning myself off and the beginning of Jan. will be the beginning of freedom, renewed mental clarity, less shame and guilt. Preparing tomorrow with my therapist, a step by step plan. Replacing my bad habits with new, healthy ones. I have to do this. I will not allow my life’s legacy to be as it is today. Believe in yourself and find something or someone that gives you hope. Remember, we don’t have to believe every thought that we have. Many are LIES. Find a different thought. Replace the rationalizing with reality checking. Praying for you.