So I found out that I had HIV in January of this year, even today its hard to believe that its me. Currently I am not on any meds, because my viral levels are still low and my Immune system is still fighting. I contracted Hiv from my ex boyfriend who never told me anything. I found out 6 months after we broke up and I moved away. It pisses me off that he lied to me for so long and that he didnt do anything to protect me. I have alot of support from my friends and family but I still feel confused…I need answers from him that I will never get.I have came to realize that HIV is no longer a death sentence, like it was back in the 80's but its the fact of feeling tainted. Im terrified to date because what happens if I tell the person my status and then be rejected I dont need to be hurt anymore. What makes the HIV real is when I do my bloodwork, I tend to get anxious and freaked out, especially because I hate needles. Im worried that when its time to begin meds that my mood will get worse because then it will really be real. right now its just monitoring but what happens with the meds? is it trial and error until they find the right combination? Will my depression worsen, or my anger get more intense. I feel like a part of myself died and I have lost the person I used to be. There is alot of shoulda, coulda and would have but whats done is done. The worst relationship I have ever been in is going to haunt me for the rest of my life. I wish there wasa cure or a shot that could just take this away from me. But I know currently there is no chance. So i continue to keep my head up and believe that everything will be okay, its just going to be a bumpy ride. Until next time over and out!