I keep telling myself that I’m not special but I am, we all are. Every single one of us is sooo special, I promise. My story starts when I became very ill going through psych med withdrawals. I came off lithium then some time later, cold turkey Ed off benzodiazepines. I met my bf whom I thought had my best interest at year 2 into protracted withdrawals and soon found out that yes we may be special in our own ways but some people are in it only for themselves, at all costs even if there is no reason to be like that. The manipulation and psychological abuse had led me to turn on myself. I started to cut and my ocd became beyond anything that could be treated or worked with. He not only tore my stitches from a cosmetic surgery but he was the one to love and nurture me to health after each blow, he soon started to feed me heroin all while paying other women for sex and lying to me with the most charming of all voices and demeanors. I soon developed lupus, my body was turning on itself, I was so confused, I was so weak and sick and my addiction to him and to heroin grew and grew and grew. I knew inside things weren’t right, my body convulsed and shook in his presence and I had to tell it to stop. To hang in there that I will be out of this situation soon. I would write down my goals and no matter what I was going through or how I felt, I knew I was safe and okay deep down, I practiced on believing that this would all be over soon. A whole year went by where I would lose my job, my friends, my life… After coming off benzodiazepines 3 years ago I never thought life could get this bad. How could I let it get this bad. I kept telling myself that I was safe and that I was moving forward even though it didn’t feel that way. Even when he called the cops on me and got me a year of probation or when he spit in my face and threw me down the stairs then called me with arms open and a smile on his face. I kept fighting, Everytime he kicked me down when I tried to be strong, when I tried to move out, I would lay in bed for weeks wanting and begging for death but I kept trying. There was a little sparkle inside me that would not let me give up and I promise, I grew to love that little sparkle even though most of the time I hated her for existing. I kept going and finally the day came where I moved out on my own in January. It was so new and scary but I knew I could do it and I did!!! I’m now on unemployment and financially secure and I have everything going for me except for him and heroin. Now it’s time to go on suboxone, now it’s time to finally tell him that I don’t want to see him anymore, but anyone in a trauma bond would understand how impossible it feels to let go of someone in a relationship like this one…

I think I need to meet others in a situation similar to mine, I Believe that if I can help you that it will ultimately help me..

.. to be continued

5 Comments
  1. rikamono 1 year ago

    You are enough and I believe in you. Stay strong.

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    1 kudos
  2. haphapa 1 year ago

    You know that you are strong deep down. Your thoughts tell you otherwise, but they are formed around your negative past experiences between you and other broken people. Your insecurities allowed those kinds of broken people to join in on what you were already telling yourself, but they are all based on nothing but delusions between broken and beaten people.

    Don’t believe the bullshit you tell yourself. The past is over now, take stock of your surroundings and stay grounded and true.

    Love you

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    0 kudos
  3. hcivodiv 4 months ago

    You are stronger than you know. We all are. How are you now?

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    0 kudos

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