March 17th: Start having anxiety pretty badly for the first time in 4 years. Recognize this and decide to face it and go on with my life like normal. Feels like I’m pretending and I’m starting to detach for the next 2 weeks. My house doesn’t feel like my house. I don’t like my boyfriend anymore (at least that’s what anxiety is telling me) I don’t even want to be around my dogs and I love those little shits!
March 27th: Not feeling well. Go home from work. Exhausted. Stomach hurts. Shaking. Think I’m getting sick so I take a nap. A really long 7 hour nap. Wake up feeling nervous and more anxious so I decide to eat and watch my favorite show. Shortly after I eat I have a full blow panic attack for no reason at all. Feeling hopeless and uncomfortable and just pathetic and all around awful. Decide to go to school anyway. Tears falling down my face the entire time. Come home. Tell boyfriend. He doesn’t understand but hugs me anyway.
March 28th: Get up feeling drained, anxious, sad. But keep my level at a barely bearable level. Go to class. Get home around 10pm. Spend time with boyfriend and decide to eat because I realize I haven’t eaten all day. Eating one bite of a sandwhich and have another even worse panic attack. I want to run away. Leave my life for a new 0ne. Leave my boyfriend. My dogs. My school. My job. My skin. Everything. I know I know what’s happening so I go to urgent care. They give me temporary fixes and tell me I most likely not only have DAD but also depression…Lorazepam and Hydroxcine wotk for the next week until I get to my regular Dr.
April 5th: Dr. prescirbes me with Escitalopram 10mg.
April 6th: Take first dose of meds and feel like I’m on a bad street drug. Pupils dialte. Sweating. 10x more anxious. Want to throw up. Ears hurt. Clenching my jaw. Overall just freaking out that I’m gonna die.
April 7th: Cut pill in half to 5mg. Still feel awful from day before but not “on drugs” kind of bad.
April 8th: Still depressed and anxious though not having panic attacks. Side effects of meds still suck.
April 9th: Same
April 10th: Decide to take 5mg in the morning and then a few hours later take another 5mg. After second dose feel a little increased anxiety but not as bad as when I first took it.
April 11th: Do the same thing with meds and anxiety still increased but more of a physical anxiety not so much a mental anxiety though that is still there. Get home and drink alcohol for the first time. Was extremely nervous to do so but drank and bottle of wine over a period of 5 hours and woke up feeling a bit aggitated and had a hell of a headache but nothing as bad as I thought it might be.
April 12th: Headache from wine and a bit aggitated but smiling and laughing with boyfriend. Don’t sleep very well this night tho due to my dog having surgery.
April 13th: Exhausted and I feel like my world is ending. Hardly keep it together at work. Just want to cry. Come home and take a nap and feel a little better but still not a great day.
April 14th: Wake up feeling ok. Split doses again. Just a meh day. Not bad. Not great. Watch some movies with boyfriend and go to sleep.
April 15th (today): My day off from work so I sleep in a few hours and am behind on taking my med at my normal time. Wake up feeling very anxious and nervous. Decide today is the day to try 10mg at once again since I gave my body a week to get use to the medicine. 3 hours later now and I feel pretty good. I can feel the anxiety sitting under the surface but I was motivated enough to join this group, take a shower, give myself a facial.
I have hopes I’ll be even better soon. I know it takes awhile for meds to kick in completely. But I’m scared I’ll have to be on these forever. My goal, though, is to try 6 months of meds then with a Dr approval is she thinks its the time, to slowly wean myself off. In the six months leading up to that, however, I hope to work on myself more. Make better habits. Work out more. Stop wallowing in my sadness.
This is a struggle, but I can get through it.