Two days ago marked two months since i lost my daughter. No, there’s nothing new to report and i’ve not received any notifications from either the medical examiner’s office nor the detective….so, i continue to wait. i still have dreams about Shelby and make myself wake up, most of the time. *sigh Sleep is still playing it’s games with me, not allowing a full night of rest except very occasional, now. Since i spoke to Gabe’s dad, yesterday, he basically confirmed a few things–as is usually the case whenever we speak. i guess i kinda knew it was a possibility that might come in to play, but my son is…has apparently become “full of himself”–just as he’s been trained by those people to be. No matter what we do or where we go in life, there’s always someone who’s bigger, badder, and more experienced. It’s just how it goes…i hope he realizes this before it’s too late and his feelings get massively crushed.
Looking out the window at the ‘breeze’ blowing the treetops and the damp, grey sky that seems to be keeping the sun at bay, for now, all i want to do is go back to bed….i don’t want to be awake. i don’t want to function. i just want to drift away and not have to process and deal with all this pain…. But, that’s been the story of my life, thus far, hasn’t it? Hard lessons…painful memories….finding my own way…*sigh i’m so tired of this… But, that doesn’t matter, does it? We either have to force ourselves to keep going, somehow, some way or, take matters into our own hands….. Sometimes, it just becomes more of a chore to breathe and continue fighting. It would be much easier to stop. But, then, the few that would be affected….what about them? i don’t want to hurt anyone else. i wish i could just bawl my eyes out and try to release some of this pain, but i can’t. It just won’t go. i don’t know….i have no clue….