Two days ago marked two months since i lost my daughter.  No, there’s nothing new to report and i’ve not received any notifications from either the medical examiner’s office nor the detective….so, i continue to wait.  i still have dreams about Shelby and make myself wake up, most of the time.  *sigh  Sleep is still playing it’s games with me, not allowing a full night of rest except very occasional, now.  Since i spoke to Gabe’s dad, yesterday, he basically confirmed a few things–as is usually the case whenever we speak.  i guess i kinda knew it was a possibility that might come in to play, but my son is…has apparently become “full of himself”–just as he’s been trained by those people to be.  No matter what we do or where we go in life, there’s always someone who’s bigger, badder, and more experienced.  It’s just how it goes…i hope he realizes this before it’s too late and his feelings get massively crushed.  

Looking out the window at the ‘breeze’ blowing the treetops and the damp, grey sky that seems to be keeping the sun at bay, for now, all i want to do is go back to bed….i don’t want to be awake.  i don’t want to function.  i just want to drift away and not have to process and deal with all this pain….  But, that’s been the story of my life, thus far, hasn’t it?  Hard lessons…painful memories….finding my own way…*sigh  i’m so tired of this…  But, that doesn’t matter, does it?  We either have to force ourselves to keep going, somehow, some way or, take matters into our own hands…..  Sometimes, it just becomes more of a chore to breathe and continue fighting.  It would be much easier to stop.  But, then, the few that would be affected….what about them?  i don’t want to hurt anyone else.  i wish i could just bawl my eyes out and try to release some of this pain, but i can’t.  It just won’t go.  i don’t know….i have no clue…. 

5 Comments
  1. bonita 4 years ago

    I am sorry that you lost your daughter that is one of the hardest things in the world to deal with. I did some work a while ago which focused on just one small act that put a smile on your face everyday. Focus on one simple thing a day. The flower that just started to bloom for the summer season, the cup of coffee that tastes so good going down on the very first sip, the cloud that looks like a bunny. In time try to find two things that put a small smile on your face then three etc. You will always have a hole in your heart that belongs to your daughter but the hole will find comfort in time. Shedding tears is a beautiful way to remember your daughter. Also it has been just such a short time, time does heal all wounds and this one wil also find peace one day. Big hugs

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  2. ucfdarkknight 4 years ago

    it honestly pains me each time I read and get reminded of your loss. I honestly could not imagine being in your shoes. Bonita left a really good comment.

    know that you’re constantly in my thoughts

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  3. Author
    delane 4 years ago

    Thank you for the suggestion. i know it’s something i’m gonna have to work on. Right now, it’s hard enough just making myself get outta bed or get anything really productive accomplished. i’m tryin….
    i appreciate the input. i really do.
    Thank you both! ***Hugs***

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  4. 2gen 4 years ago

    I am so sorry, I lost my fiancé 3 years ago and it was the worst pain I have ever felt, I can’t even begin to imagine how much more painful it is to lose a child. One day at a time, take all the time you need xoxo

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  5. Author
    delane 4 years ago

    Thank you for the comments and input.
    Sometimes, writing helps…other times, it’s just another reminder…
    i do appreciate the shoulders, though. The caring souls here are definitely meant for the ‘tribes’….

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