What a week. This is my second therapy session today. After being back and forth to doctors demanding some sort of tests or help in diagnosing something that's more than just depression and anxiety. That something is apparently called Cyclothymia. Basically a milder version of bipolar 1 but eventually can lead to that if not treated via. therapy or medication. Today I've been told to work on my communication with people at work (the customers that is) and with how I take their opinions valuable but I should instead differentiate between personal and professional by seperating what matters and what don't matter; customers don't matter. When I get complaints, don't lash out, don't give verbal abuse or take their comments to heart, they DON'T MATTER. That's lesson number one I have to learn these next few weeks. Lesson number two is to learn and realise that I do have self worth, I am a lovely kind-hearted and caring person who does deserve life. I need to feel I am pretty and superior to others when feeling jealous about them and that I need to build up my self-confidence.

That my lessons to work on anyway.

But per usual with my life, it's never simple.Everything always happens after therapy where then I don't have another session to talk to someone for guidance and help for another 2 weeks. Myex/ boyfriend/ friend/ i don't even know anymore ebcause he just messes with my head and makes me confused about us, has decided to again piss me off and send me off the rails but messaging that girl again. The one whose non stop begging for his attention and when she ain't getting it, goes all mardy to her 'boyfriend' to moan at him (as there in some way step brothers). She always gets her way and I'm sick of watching it happen when she doesn't even deserve to be wasting the oxygen supply. She just needs to fuck off to get on with her own sad life, and leave ours alone so we can fix or work on what and where we are going from here. She doesn't allow this as she wants him to be single because she likes him (more of obsessed). She plays the victim card and yet he just falls into her trap everytime and believes her ad almost instantly feels bad and wants to help, but at same time pushes me right away to do so. I feel theres something more to this that I'm not aware of as he says he doesn't meet her, which I know he doesn't as he doesn't have time to nor does he ever go that area of the city, but instead he speaks to her loads, and pushes me away then plays on games with her alot. I know this game and I ain't playing along with it. I have enough troubles of my own, but then I don't feel worthy of myself to be without him completely. It's hard, it's in a way dependance but not. I am an independant individual, I see the world alone, could live alone, go places alone and do my own thing. But I feel I still need to talk to him, he's helped me through so much over the years with my issues that I feel I can't just let that go after 7 years. I feel I can't leave. I'm stuck and don't know what to do or how to be strong. I just wish karma hits and kills this girl before I end up in jail myself. I can't stand these people. It's tearing me apart and my heads already fucked up.


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