I'm feeling weird lately. Depression and anxiety seem to be creeping along the edges of my life, despite my optimistic attitude. So far, I've been able to avoid the use of medication–even at my worst (when I first joined DT), but now I've hit some kind of a wall.
I don't feel miserable–I can even name all sorts of things I'm thankful for. I can be happy, in a mildly subdued sort of way, but if I really THINK about things, I feel its cold shadow tickling along the edges, threatening to rattle me to pieces if I'm not careful.
I do feel overwhelmed most of the time–I think of DH working too much for 2 miniscule paychecks, my $32,000.00 in deferred school loans accruing interrest, my poor sales volume at J.C. Macydale's due to my back pain, my medical bills, whether or not this extremely expensive epidural shot is going to wear off anytime soon, my credit card bill, my car payment, my car's growing transmission problem and brakepads I can't afford to get changed, my finished novel collectiong dust because the plot has already been done to death, my weight gain from being unable to move/exercise without crippling pain, my depressed older brother's possible divorce and probable "disfellowshipment" and it's effect on my mother's fragile emotional state, and whether or not DH can pick up my slack and still pay the house bills… I'm terrified of the prospect of FORECLOSURE. It's happening to good, responsible people every day–people who've already landed their dream jobs and lost them.
I'm able to tell myself that we'll make our way through these things–never give up and all that–but I still feel that cold shadow and I don't know how much longer I can fight it off before it completely envelopes me again. I'm beginning to feel unmotivated and unwilling to take actioon again. I'm beginning to get tired.
Thinking of making an appointment before I forget about the silver linings–if anything, just for some talk therapy.