This picture is just one more example. why I feel like am just going to have to take my own life someday. And not just keep looking at the bottle of pills. I just can’t keep living like this. Am getting too old for this.
And one more goddamned cold winter night…that I was out, and saw others out. Happy couples that get to go home with each other on a cold winter night. And I have to go home alone to this…this pic which shows how I am barely functioning. And I want to ask wtf, why the hell do I have to be alone? I’m a good person, aren’t I? Okay, not perfect, but certainly there are people that are a lot worse than me, right? But I’m the one that always has to be alone in this fucking world right?
And than again…some of it might just be that I can’t even afford to go one goddamned day without taking my goddamned Venlafixine like I didn’t do today. Oh I guess I will just repeat the whole goddamned thing now so that I reach 300 words. No wait, I actually have something more to add.
I’m about to tell a woman who has been very helpful and supportive with listening to my struggles that I am in love with her, thereby destroying my friend ship with her and further fucking up my life. Because that’s what I do–I fuck things up. I always have. I was placed in this world by accident. There is no bigger mistake on this planet rright now than me. 46, 30 lbs overweight, haven’t had sex in over 10 years, a lifelong failure in rrrelationships and virtually everything else, athletics, you name it, I failed at it. Thank you for listening. I love you all and am always hoping and praying for the best for you.
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you can’t expect to find happiness if you’re constantly looking for ways to water down your spirit. please don’t do anything dangerous or stupid and know that people do love you and you are not alone.
Belated thank you natureschild for reading my blog and the wise and caring words in your reply. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your caring and concern.
Todd
My dear sweet friend: it’s NOT you. Society sucks huge wet elephant crap nuggets. You’ve always shown me compassion and understanding, as i’ve known you to do for others, as well. i feel like you come down too hard on yourself–go figure, right?! If you stayed nearby, i’d hang out with ya. Nope, can’t push me away that easily, either. There are quite a few of us who genuinely care for ya, hun. Please, know that you truly matter. i’m proud of you for reaching out and letting us know what’s on the dealio.
Just do your best–be YOU–and try to hang in there as best you can, and when you can’t, lean–lean hard when you need to! K? ***hugs***
Hi Delane,
So nice to hear from you again. Goodness, I guess we have been friends on here for a while now? Pretty sure I have known you going back to the days when the layout of this website was a lot more prettier and less sterilized-looking(ugh, don’t get me started on my frustration with that!)
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and support. I so very much appreciate your caring and concern, and yes, it is a shame that we don’t live near each other so that we could hang out sometime. It means a lot to me to know that you and others on here care about me. You along with all the others on here are truly beautiful souls. I will try to take your wise words to heart.
And thank you again from the bottom of mine.
((Hugs)) to you in return and apologies for the belated reply.
Todd
You sound a lot like me. 30lbs doesn’t seem like that much. I don’t know how tall you are or your build but I’m a short woman and about the same amount overweight and though I’m always fighting the weight I still get ‘looks’ and the occasional compliment. I’m sure you probably do too.
However, I still live the lonely life that you speak of. I was okay with it until about a year ago when I was approached by and clicked with the perfect man. Turns out he had just came out of a long-term relationship and decided he was going to become poly-amorous. I don’t fault him for that but it is just not for me. We’re still friends but I don’t know for how long because that just makes me feel ‘not good enough’. Anyhow, I keep wishing I could get back to the contentment I had before meeting him and realizing there is still the possibility I could have the type of relationship I always hoped for.
I don’t mean to steal your thunder in any way, just wanted you to know you’re not alone and I understand. Sometimes good things take time. There’s hope for both of us. Cheers!
Thank you so much for your kind and supportive words, and no, I did not think you were “stealing my thunder” at all! I so very much appreciate your words of encouragement and positive outlook. It really means a lot to me. Sounds to me like you can definitely relate and I am sorry about your own struggles that you have dealt with.
You are very nice and I hope to talk with you again in the future. Please accept my apologies for the belated reply!
Todd
I am sorry, I don’t know your name. But my heart goes out to you. You said you were praying for us, I too am genuinely praying for you. that you know how special your life is because it’s yours. That no matter what we feel like we fail at, or who fails us, or what we think makes us valuable, the truth is you are valuable because you are you. You are here with the breath of God in your lungs. You have purpose and you are not alone. Please …here is a link where you can also chat with someone if you need to if you feel like you don’t want to live. it wouldn’t let me post the link but it is
suicideprevntionorg/talk-to-someone-now
Hi Stella,
I am Todd. Belated thank you for reading my blog and for your caring and concern. It means a lot to me .. I will try to take your wise and beautiful words to heart.
Thank you again from the bottom of my heart.
Todd
Hi I’m not sure if this will help but how I got 80 percent better very quickly was I stumbled across something called nofap . Not sure if you masterbating but I was 2 to 3 times a week and since stoping my ocd is 80 percent better no social anxiety panic attacks gone . And feeling way better . If your masterbating maybe it can be causing ur problems too . Google NOFAP . And I also stopped beating myself up in my mind. I never say mean things to myself . Change that inner talk . I had too my life depended on it.
I thought masturbating was supposed to be good for a person to do? Studies show it and what not. And a couple of times a week doesn’t sound like an excessive amount.
Thank you for your caring and concern. 🙂