While I was searching for the right word for 'my mood', I wanted to choose angry. But I am not an angry person, so that's why I decided to put 'frustrated' in the mood box. I am anxious in a negative way, due to a negative person…My step dad. I don't know anyone else like him. His anger attitude stuff's up the entire house. The only sanctuary I have is my room. Ugh…it drives me nuts sometimes.. okay, not sometimes, a lot! I am staying with my mom because she doesn't have much family left and it's the holidays. If it weren't for the holiday season, I would leave and stay at my sister's or dads. Some people wonder, why don't I have a place of my own? Easy answer, I am a full time college student. I did live with an ex boyfriend awhile back, but that's a whole other story that I don't plan on getting into. There's so much I could write about my mind blowing craphead step dad.. but I am just going to write about the most recent bull that has been happening. My moms place is pretty big. Her and I have the other have of the place to ourselves, three bedrooms to be exact. My mom and I very artsy. I have my own art studio in one of the back rooms, and she has her sewing room. The past couple days when my mom and I are home, we consume ourselves in those rooms. Okay, enough writing about the background, getting to the point why I am so frustrated. So, this morning, I open up the refrigerator to get something to snack on. And on top of the shelf, is two cans of soda, and my step dad had written with a black marker 'his name' all over them. Not just lightly putting his name on them.. the dark black writing was so bold, I think he busted the tip of the sharpie pen. That bugs me. It makes me feel as though I am not wanted in this household. I don't steal food. And I for certain don't take sodas out of the refrigerator. I am weird girl.. I drink room temp soda. He keeps making comments to my mom when she's in the living room talking to him, about me. How I am 26 years old and I am not doing my share. What the french? First of all, I am a full time student.. although since classes are out this winter, I plan to go back to work for a while, and I have decided to take next semester off. He doesn't do crap around the house. Speaking of which, right now he is sitting in his gross recliner watching tv. He has been watching tv all afternoon so far. I help my mom out of course since I am staying here. I help her with the dishes, the vacuuming, the little house stuff I help her out with. Although, this is the ugly stupid tantrum part that my mom and I cannot understand.
The other day, my mom was eating chips and she placed them onto a paper towel. Some of them spilled onto the floor. She wasn't going to eat the spilled ones, so she threw them away. My sick step dad, goes through the trash!! Oh, and I can't believe I am repeating this… but the other day, he goes rummaging through the trash, and came across the chips. He yelled at my mom (I was in the other room) and exclaimed, "Why is Katy wasting food!? Jesus *$#&$ $&$&#@* $$^#*#"
I have no words for how stupid he is. It's insane for the idiotic tantrums he makes. Oh, and I have to share this one. I am a smoker (trying to quit) and one day, my mom comes home with a brand new carton of cigarettes, not even open. There was a pack of smokes on the table, with one cigarette in it. I paid no attention, I grabbed the last smoke, went into my room and smoked it. Suddenly, I hear the dorm slam and yelling outside. My mom comes in, upset but laughing at the same time.. and said, "Ray is pissed that you took the last cigarette." WHAT??? Okay for all you smoker's out there… if you have one last smoke in a pack, and a brand new carton of cigarettes..what would you do??? OF course you'd take the last smoke before opening a brand new pack! He didn't write his #*&$ name on it!!!!
Stupid stuff like that drives me insane. The negative energy eats at me. My anxiety and panic have been pretty calm.. but his negative bull riles it up. I am unable to sleep at night sometimes. Oh, and it's gotten to the point where if I am thirsty and if he's in the living room, I don't dare walk out of my bedroom to the kitchen to get something to eat. I am too afraid that he's going to spat off about some crap. I am mentally drained from this man.
Today, while doing my hair for the day, my mom comes into my bathroom and she starts crying. She told me that she hates her life. She is tired of being married to him, but she has no way out just yet. I hugged her and told her not to hate her life. she has a lot going for her. But the holidays are tough for my family. We lost 8 people in the last four years.. our most closest family members. Sometimes. it's hard to move on from the passings, but you just have to keep moving on. The hardest thing to go through during the holidays is Christmas day. I spend Christmas eve with my dad's family and spend the night at my dads. During Christmas day, my step dad doesn't want anything to do with my sister and I. In the past, my mom would make Christmas dinner. I don't do anything with my mom for Christmas and it hurts. My sister is upset about it too. And my mom cries over it, because there's nothing that she can do right now. The reason I say that, is because she can't keep this place on her own.. she is almost out of school and once she's done and has a great job of her career, she is going to divorce his dumb butt. Ah, I am just venting… I can keep going about this. I know I can easily get out of here, but I am here for my mom. My mom and I never had a solid relationship when I was younger.. and the only family she has in town is my sister and I. Well, my goals after the holidays is to keep working, and get my own place. I know my mom is an adult and she is a survivor..she can do what's best for her. I am just trying to suck it up until January.. then I am out of here.
