I have been blogging about my friends and how they have been really helping me boost my confidence, but the one who i consider to be one of my closest friends was really selfish and hurtful to me.
We were meant to be meeting and last minute said 'sorry i cant doing stuff' like he didnt care – and they knew i was only the one left to make it to this event where people were counting on us. So I went on my own not to let people down and everything was ok.
The next day they rang and asked if i could do something which basically was leaving me in the lurch again. I had already put to rest the events of the night before because it wasn't tooo bad, and i thought to myself no i am not going to let this cause a problem now. But they let me down again and started verbally attacking me, calling me names and saying hurtful things. I never thought they would have behaved this way, and i was in shock. I tried to calmly explain why i wasnt happy with the situation and therefore wouldn't do it, but they kept shouting at me and started calling me pathetic. They were sayin it wasn't fair of me to drop out last minute and was preaching from their high horse like they had never done it themselves!! I somehow kept my calm – i knew if i lost it i would reget it and not get anywhere. So i told them without being insulting that sometimes people have things that come up last minute and the cant make it, without being bitchy and saying – well thats what you did! and told them its simply a fact of life and if they cant accept that then its their problem and not mine. They then started calling me annoying and pathetic and childish, and so i was really starting to get fed up and explained my personal reasons of not being happy with the situation should have been enough for them, and they should have respected that, but they couldnt and so it was their problem and not mine, and that i was sorry that they felt that i way. I even offered other solutions to the problem and pointed out the problems with their plan and this just enraged them further.
So long story short – this is the first confrontation i have had since kicking my panic attack problem and i was really proud of myself of not panicing, not screaming, and calmly and maturely dealing with the situation. But for some reason i couldnt stop crying after it all. I then found out that my 'best friend' had told lies to all my friends involved in the situation and told me lies about them. Which didnt work because we could all see through their lies and we discussed the situation. And to top if all off, they text me saying – you know i always thought i could count on you turns out i cant' i mean how childish was that and their entire behaviour. I didnt rise to it and simply replied im sorry you feel that way, will see you next week.
So we apologsied to each other – although they did keep the air of 'i havent done anything wrong, i dont care'. So i tried to put it behind me, and just get on with life. And they just kept calling and calling and calling me, and i teased them about constantly wanting my attention and being a drama queen! Which enraged them (it did make me feel a little bit better being vindictive to them) and then they hung up on me
BUT THE LAST TWO DAYS I FOUND MYSELF IN BED AND FEELING LIKE CRAP WANTING CHOCOLATE!!!!! i was doing so well with dealing with the situation in a new way, but i can feel my old destructive habits creeping in, like not bothering to get up and get dressed, not bothering to go and cook or eat unless my bf happens to cook. I tried distraction with work, and worked for so long, but i could feel it underneat, eating away at me, mocking me.
I cant believe i have fallen so far and that i am letting this insignificant waste of time and energy crap let me get this down!!!! I cant believe that i am not appreciating the good stuff i did and that i am letting myself fall and relapse. Friends are perilous; they come with their own traps and agendas and betray you when you least expect it. I am so disappointed with them for letting me down in so many ways and for being so selfish and horrible. I am disappointed with myself for letting this get me down and affecting me. I am lying to myself when i say i am staying in bed because of the snow drifts, althought it has been nice sitting in bed with my doggies cuddled up to me watching the snow fall through the big bedroom window.
Sorry for making this such a long one! Thanks for reading this and well done for making it this far, and thanks for letting me vent!xx