For some reason, I am feeling very compelled to blog about my eating disorder. So read if you want.

I am diagnosed with EDNOS, which means that I don't fit the diagnostic criteria for anorexia or bulimia, but I do have an eating disorder.

I have a cycle with my eating disorder.  It mostly flips between binge eating, with or without purging, and restricting. 

So, how did it all start.  I believe it started "festering" in the summer before 8th grade when I overheard my mom talking to my dance teacher on the phone (I started ballet and dance lessons when I was 3 years old and quit when I was 13) Anyway, they were talking about me and my mom was telling her that I was getting fat that my body was not made for dance, which is why she thinks I want to quit (I had been begging her to let me quit).  This was a huge blow to my self-esteem and devastated me to the core for some reason.  I think it had to do with the abandonment of my dad, the emotional abandonment of my mom, my already negative self-worth and esteem, and the fact that I was always a thin kid and had started gaining the weight that comes with pubery. Idk, that's my best guess.  Anyway, I kept these feelings inside all from 13 until I started college in 2004.  My dad forced me to go to this ultra-conservative, bible-thumping, very-reined in Christian College in another state. He thought I was headed down the road to hell and that I "needed to get closer to God because I wasn't good enough"  I was only there for a year a half, but finally being away from my parents watching me like a hawk coupled with these other feelings, I started restricting within 6 months of starting school there. And it just got worse from there.  I've never been completely anorexic because for some reason I also get compulsions to binge eat, or binge and purge. I just want to get thin and disappear away from everyone's sight, is that so much to ask? 

Anyway after writing all that that out, I'm starting to understand why I felt such a compulsion to write about this. It being the holidays and all I have gotten myself back into a pattern of what I call "reckless eating", as a result, I have gained weight that I lost before the holidays (when I was restricting) and then some extra weight. I'm having a hard time dealing with it.  I'm 5'8 and right now I weigh near 150 pounds.  My highest weight ever has been 160 and my lowest ever has been 121, when I was bad off restricting a couple of years ago.  I am desperate to get to 110.  And I hate myself for it.  That is so unhealthy and the way I'm going to go about it is going to be so unhealthy.  But I can't help it, I have to do it.

Eating disorders are a constant internal mental battle marred with physical problems.  I know what I'm doing to myself and my body with this.  I know it's not just about being thin.  I want to be so thin, that I disappear, I know that's not normal or healthy.  But it's what I want. It's what I strive for. It's what I kill myself for.  Blah, ok enough

So, that one of my struggles for now. I feel a little better writing about it.  Please don't judge me!! I'm fucked, I know it.

Hope you all have a great New Years. A fresh beginning. I can at least get excited about partying for it lol.

I love you guys!!