So, went on this mini vacation with the hubby for his job. Things got off to a horrible start. Before we left he just, OMG just doesn't shut up and everything out of his mouth is so negative. I'm never right, I never listen or follow directions. It's almost like when I reach that "happy" state he shuts it down. I'm trying to work on me and get myself in a healthy place mentally and physically and all this negativity just pulls me down. Once we left the house he seemed a bit more chipper and was in a good mood until we got home then it was right back to being a d!ck all over again.
At the amusement park I did rent a wheel chair and he was ok with pushing me but it had to become a game. This handi-can life style is new to me also but he just doesn't get it. He used me and the wheel chair as a damn game and would push me through large groups of people intentionally to make them move which ofcourse, just makes more people stare at me. I"m not ashamed of who I am how ever, I am embarassed of what I'm becoming. It's not easy going from a fully mobile and capable human to having to be wheeled around and some days needed help out of the shower.
The husband has also decided the psychiatrist is wrong. I have no mental problems. He fights me when ever I tell him I feel manic or depressed. He tells me I'm weak and it's all, "Mind over matter." Some days I just want to take a knife and cut myself infront of him so he can see the pleasure it brings me to feel pain. It's been 2 years since I last cut myself and as the days go by it's more and more tempting. Just not sure how much more I can handle. Wanting to heal and feel whole seems more like a fantasy then a possibility. I'm starting to think he isn't what I need or is good for me but walking away after 9 years, just not that easy… Since he's at work, I'm going to go buy some groceries and just start cooking things… Keep busy, keep focused and maybe he'll leave me the hell alone. I also have to secretely find a therapist, I'm "not allowed" to go… Is he my dad or my husband?? Thanks for reading my vent 🙁