So today was supposed to be a good day. Well I assumed it would be. The weather was going to be nice and I had a whole day with no other plans so I figured I’d go downtown and look for an idea for a Halloween costume and a birthday gift for my cousin. I woke up early, so I was still a bit tired and I lay in bed for a bit. During that time while I was laying in bed I had 2 people knock on my door. First was my sister who was harassing me about what I was going to do today because I had told her we could go out and then was my mom who came to ask about what I was planning to do today and what I wanted to eat for lunch etc. I don’t know about you, but first thing in the morning, I do not want a billion and ten people asking me questions. I’d rather have a peaceful morning with no one bothering me and when I’m good and ready to talk to people, then I’ll do so. Usually I’m a pretty social person, but at home I feel I’m a lot more grumpier and things will easily make me angry or annoy me.
After all the questions, I decided there was no way I wanted to get out of bed cuz I’d have to make a bunch of decisions right away and I figured I didn’t want to do that. I was hungry though and wanted to go eat something but my mom had told me it was some religious day and that we weren’t supposed to eat meat. I’m not opposed to not eating meat, in fact I don’t eat red meat (on a regular basis), but I hate it when I’m forced to do it. Earlier this week and last week it was Navaratri which is a festival to celebrate 3 female goddesses, so we were vegetarian for 9 nights and 10 days and I was fine with that because I wanted to do it. But when someone forces me to do something, I don’t want to do it, but the thing is, for something like this, I won’t just go out and eat meat because then I feel bad and maybe God will get back at me for something like that…it’s not like it already seems like that. At least that’s how I feel about my depression, like why me? What did I do to deserve to feel so down like this?
Well anyways I guess I’m getting sidetracked. So I went downstairs and there was no food I wanted to eat, so I said I wasn’t hungry and then went back to my room. There was also nothing I could think of that I wanted to eat except food at a restaurant in Waterloo which is 1.5 hours away from home, so there was no way that was going to happen. Once I came back to my room, I guess my mom was sort of realizing my pattern when I get really down, so she kept on asking what I wanted to eat, if there was something she could buy and then she asked me if I wanted to go out with her to run her errands, just so I could get out of the house, which usually helps me mood, but I was kind of being a bitch I guess and declining all offers because there was now nothing I wanted to do or eat and my day that was supposed to be fun, wasn’t going so well.
So now I’m here in my room, in my bed with my laptop, playing games on the computer, listening to music and trying to find a link to watch episode 3 of True Blood, as well as getting harassed by my parents about eating and me leaving my room, which I don’t feel like doing. I am hungry, but I guess again with my stubbornness, there is nothing I feel like eating, so I’d rather not eat. And from what I can see out of my window (It’s a room on the side so I mostly see the side of my neighbour’s house and a glimpse of the sky) it looks shitty outside. Well I’m not sure if it’s that, or that the sun has sort of gone down so the sky is grayish…but that really doesn’t make sense.
The thing is, I did get up at one point and I decided to go out, so I showered and got ready, but I didn’t feel like going anywhere by myself, so I called a few people (the only people I actually felt hanging out with) and I either got no answer, or that they were busy. So now I pretty much feel even worse. I feel that since the depression started, I’ve been a lot pickier with who I hang out with. It’s not that I don’t have a lot of friends in general (not meaning to sound cocky or anything) but there are only certain people I can tolerate. Like some of my good friends (or thought to be good friends) I can’t stand anymore. I feel that they’re really fake and I realized I hate that. I hate fake people! It drives me insane. I don’t need people around me who aren’t gonna tell me the truth and be real with me. I don’t like the whole façade thing. It’s so easy to see through…and it makes people feel awkward…well me at least. I feel like I can’t be myself around those people who are fake because I don’t know what they’re really like, so I don’t trust them. In a way though, it makes me feel like a hypocrite, cuz sometimes I put on that façade where I’m all happy and what not. Like at work I’m always happy and laughing and smiling…that’s my nature…but one of my co-workers was like you’re always happy…and I guess I can be…but there’s another side to me, and sometimes I’m not happy and I feel awful, but I guess I don’t like showing it. I’m not sure if this makes sense or not…but it’s been on thing that’s sort of been on my mind lately.
This is actually my first time writing a blog, and I guess that’s the reason I joined this group. I feel that if I don’t address a problem right away, I just put it aside and forget about it and because I don’t deal with those emotions when it happens, I tend to have this breaking point. And for me I think that’s how my depression first started. It was just a string of shitty things happening in my life and I didn’t deal with any of the emotions when it happened, and one day I was just emotionally numb. I couldn’t care less about school; I stopped doing homework; I had no feeling in me. It was really weird and I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I tried to get any emotion out of me. I watched all the sad, sappy movies that I owned, the ones that I had cried through and nothing. There was nothing. That led to the demise of my school term and I got back home once I was done and realized I had screwed up big time and basically I stayed in my room for about a month not really doing much. I guess that’s why my parents are on my case right now, but sometimes I think I need these days. I don’t think blogs are usually this long…so I guess I’m gonna end it…I don’t think I have much else to say right now, but I definitely feel better. All that anger in me isn’t there anymore. And I’m not sure how this works, but if anyone can relate or has any tips or anything, let me know, cuz I’d really appreciate it. Thanks 🙂