So I was going through my stuff and I found a few note books. One full of songs I have been writing throughout the past 3 years one with a story I wrote last year and one I wrote in when I was 13 about a guy… I wouldn’t normally post this but when I finished reading I decided why not. I can’t remember but I think I originally wanted to start this as a song but then it turned into a diary entry type thing. Here it is. 13 year old me just before all the problems with losing my best friend to suicide and me getting kicked out of school began.
“I thought you moved so I tried to. Turns out you were just trying to. Didn’t work out so now your back I am gone and I feel so bad. I fought so hard just for you. You got a date and I did too, and now your alone and I’m not. I feel so bad. You say not to worry but I still do. I said the same thing but it still hurt. I thought I was over you but I’m not. I still like you but can’t hurt him. I feel so bad, and miss us. I thought it was just a phase. So I dumped you. I guess not. I really like you but I can’t hurt him and neither can you. So I just have to hide my feelings and just keep living like this. But all I said was true. I really do like you. I know I’m 13 and am too young to love… So I’ll just say I really like you until I know for sure. I know I said it before but then you were gone. Then I said once more and you got a girl friend and rejected me because it would hurt too many. Well guess what I dated you first. Do you know how much it hurt for you to date two close friends. I got so mad. I was so hurt. I hated it! I wanted to hurt someone it was either me or them and at first I chose them. Then I stopped because it’s wrong. So I started finding ways to hurt me. In a way it wouldn’t leave marks and I could make an excuse for it. I tried breaking my arm and blaming it on my bike but it wouldn’t break and I left bruises and scratches from the attempts. But covered it up with makeup and shirts. I hid everything at school I hid my abuse. I hid my feelings. I covered up so much with a smile. I his so much pain behind my hello’s and all I did at home was cry and hurt and nobody knew because I acted so normal around my friends and family. I had no one. I said I was over you but I never was and I never think I will be so I’m sorry if that’s stupid but it’s true I like you and that’s all. There’s nothing anyone can say or do I’m sorry.”
Now that you’ve read that I’m going to say this.
This was a guy I dated my second year of middle school. He dumped me half way through the year and dated Jules two days later (Jules is my best friend that well you know). Then later on in the year dated another close friend of mine. We got back together eventually and broke up again. Then me and him got together the same exact time Jules and another ex we had in common got back together. Jules and him broke up about a week or so later I was still with this guy then Jules did it….. and my bf at the time stopped coming to school and then a month later I went to a mental hospital. Then night I got out I saw a message from him from that morning and he dumped me again… While I was in a mental hospital…. To no surprise he had dumped me for a close friend…. He said she had less problems with her life then I did and she was better for him. We don’t talk to this day…. I’m 16 I have a bf that I’ve been with for over a year and things are going pretty good… But that doesn’t cancel out that even when I was 13 I was trying to break my arm because of how people hurt me. I tried stuff like that all the way through to age 15. But through out those years I also went through periods of cutting and suicide attempts… But as you can see I’m still here… So I’m hoping me failing those attempts was worth it and I’m hoping…. I am still needed in this world… I’ve been through bigger things then a break up and I still think what my mind made me do at the age of 13 wasn’t me over reacting or being stupid because some people’s minds can be horrible to them. It’s not someones stupidity if they are thrown into a depression over random things. Depression is an illness that I’ve been cursed with my whole life. But hey… I’m still here right…..