So…That last quick entry I posted just a moment ago…You can forget it…I ended up not being able to resist and I vomited everything up…
God, No matter what I can't resist the urges that hurt me the most, After vomiting I felt like such a waste of space so I took out my razor and cut both my thighs and stomach (though, I avoided cutting where they did the surgery on my stomach area)
I keep thinking of everything that's wrong with me, I actually made a list, the more I look at it the more I panic, How am I supposed to tackle all of this? not just the disorders and self-harming and all that shit but medically as well.
I've been dealing with everything on my own, I can't trust my 'family', I don't want to burden my friends, and I feel like i'm just being a burden to everyone in the tribe..
Also, Last night I had another sleep paralysis attack, and during that time of not being able to breath or move, I had flash backs of my sexual abuse, Not just my cousin but I also remembered something that I had blocked from my memory a long time ago.
When me and my brother was younger, We used to go to this woman who my mom knew and she'd babysit us, (she also had her own children, but I didn't really interact with them cus of my anxiety and this was even before brendon started to rape me, when this happened with her I was like in pre-k so like 5 or 6)
She'd take us places,out for walks and what not. at times she was nice, and it was alright to be around her. but then other times she was a bitch and very strict (I know it's not a crime to be strict but this went beyond normal)
Once, while we were going somewhere she told me and my brother if we had an accident in the car (such as number '2') that she'd put it on a plate and make us eat it.
Then another time we were taking a nap (we were only 5/6…so it wasn't that abnormal to take a nap) but I had a nightmare and wet the bed (which is something I never did before)
So, she got upset and made me take off all my wet clothes while scolding me, and if i had stripped in private it would have been okay, but it was were her children AND her husband could see, and he kept staring at me.
I felt so embarrassed and at the same time I thought it was my fault so I deserved it…of course I never told anyone, and from there on out everything went down hill,since not long after the brendon thing started and all my other problems came along with it.
I got off topic, I'm sorry but just remembering this memory, I had to get it out because it's driving me insane. plus tonight mom and dad got into ANOTHER huge fight and put me and my brother in the middle of it again, no surprise there…again I know it's my fault though..
I'm sorry for complaining…Since I know others in the tribe have it much worse then I do…I hope everyone else is doing alright tonight though…
No apologies necessary. I wanted to share something with you, that I wrote a few years ago(I typed something below the poem too):
\”33 1/3\”
The bane of my existence is living.
Life is an irreverant comedy,
always playing cruel jokes on us.
Ironic has beat me so many times,
it has left me concussed, bleeding, and shaken(metaphorically and otherwise).
I\'d love you to come around, my only true love, my honey(my non-existence)…
But no, irony prevails, so still,
I\'m here.
Depressive is made beautiful, by pen pushed forth with mind;
Creativity seems a hollow victory,
when its merits bring no dream to fruition.
The morose, the anger, the duplicitous bastards; they…
are my unwanted muses.
Anxiety is the hallmark of my life.
The record skips; the page won\'t turn\\\\
Right now, I can\'t look beyond the horizon
Maybe irony will work in my favor for once,
bringing me something…. (D.J.Sherman)
warmth and empathy your way, minus condescension. Again, no need to apologize. Those who care the most, hurt the most. In my opinion, it is most certainly not a bad thing to have cathartic moments. When I was younger, I\'d cut myself,and once tried doing \”the big job\” That doesn\'t make our experiences carbon copies, although there is, to a certain extent, a commonality. Here is a quote from a song I like quite a bit, that I wanted to share with you: \”Reality is bitter, something many can\'t swallow. It has a quiet taste, only comes from tribulation faced..\” I\'m proud of you, as I have been proud of myself when I thought myself less than the microbes in worm excrement, yet still mustered that last bit of strength to get to the next sunrise. To face another day in spite of your experiences, takes a strength most, and I mean MOST of humanity couldn\'t muster.