my depression is like an ocean. I have no control. Just like my anxiety. but i can handle my depression so much better then the anxiety. But last night I could feel it coming on. The tide was in all weekend. Too high maybe. Now it pulls out further. The soft sand of my soul exposed. Awaiting the crash of the wave to return and fill me again. I hate my job. The only saving grace was a co-worker who quit last tuesday. Now its unbearable. I work with a bunch of people i have no relatability to. They are older, half have kids, some are married. They all look to me as the one that does all the shit they don't want. I dont get paid shit for what i do either. But i've only been here for 5 mo. and i dont want to throw in the towel and have it reflect negitivly on my resume. So, i stick it out. I suffer and be miserable…just like always. Part of me just wishes that there was something wrong w/ me that a dr. could diagnose …. Mental health leave. Or something. I just can't handle it. My car's in the shop today, so there's 90 bucks I dont ahve anymore…90 dollars to make me stress out about money. FUCK MONEY. thats what i say. Although it could have been worse, i have a warranty on my car that i paid extra for…But none the less. The car has had issues from almost the first month, even though it was partialy my fault for getting in an accident 3 wks into ownership.
Anyways, I have to save my vacation time for when I go to a weddin in march, i'll be gone for a week. I just want to sleep and get caught up on my 'emotional state'. I am seeing a psych. in february. I hope to god that this appointment helps me out in some way. While i'm scared of the side effects that I may get I just want to be on something I can take when I need it. I feel so out of control of my emotions and the goddamn roller coster I freakin live on. I can't take it. It feels like i'm drowning. (funny considering I want the tide to come back in, ::SHRUG::).
i'll stop my bitching and complaining now.
Happy week to everyone.