Things are just hard. I sometimes wish I was just alone. I sometimes wish I wasn’t anywhere. It’s hard, to feel judged all the time, to feel like if I upset one person then I have to be accountable to everyone, say sorry to everyone. I said something that hurt my friend chris’s feelings, he just told me today, and I apologized, talked it out with him, made amends but it makes me feel so unstable. This weekend I texted all my friends asking to hang out. All but one didn’t reply. One gave the fake excuse she had cramps and was going to bed early. Chris said they all went out without me. I…I just want to feel like I don’t have to give a pound of flesh to every person in that group everytime I mess up. I owed chris an apology, but it hurts to think that if I upset one person, then my whole core at college, every "friend" I have will stop talking to me, start judging me.
Chris was fine, he just wanted to say how he felt, but…everyone else. I feel like it’s the salem witch trials here sometimes and anything I do will get me burned at the stake. I just hate feeling like I could turn around one day and everyone is gone, that everyone has been ganging up and talking about me. I’m tired of everyone pooling together and building up grievences. I don’t know what to do, I’m so sad, it just makes me scared. I really don’t have anyone here. No one is on my side, no one is in my corner, I need explainations for everything I do, everything I say. I feel like friendship shouldn’t be like that, but…I guess I don’t see it the right way. I know I will go on, but I don’t want to. I don’t want to try to hold myself up against another unslaught, another trial. I have to sit in the corner and have everyone tell me all the bad things I’ve ever done. I don’t want that anymore. How can I be so bad that I deserve this over and over again? Why? I try so hard to be nice, but I’m not perfect. I don’t have anyone. It’s awful. I need someone but I can’t even call my mother because she will just get mad at me. She will be mad that I’m still friends with these girls. "what can you expect from them jenna?" that’s what she’ll say. "you have to get out, they’re not healthy for you". I don’t know how to get out. I can’t get out. Just want to give up. It’s just hard right now. Don’t know what to do, just cry.