I find it hard to log onto anxietytribe/depressiontribe lately….I’ve been floating around these two sites for 7 years and i’ve met a handful of people I can call buddies, which is worth all the effort. I just came to a point where I realized I was expressing myself with no real feedback or I was just running in circles repeating myself constantly…and I just didn’t see that as beneficial. I started to challenge myself and in doing so that happened to work for me….I started to unplug more, step away from the internet and digital world and go out and find myself. I struggle with agoraphobia and depression, for the last 11 years, I lost friends , family…you name…seems like when you’re broken no one wants you anymore. I still struggle daily but I manage to wrestle the feelings and find some meaning to keep living this life. I was in bad shape there for awhile…I gained 120 pounds….was on pain meds, drinking, smoking ….anything to ease the pain. Found myself trapped in my room never coming out….was to afraid, I was a broken soul to put it lightly…suicidal and always sitting on the edge of one bad mistake waiting to happen. I didn’t leave my house at all for 2 straight years…not even to get the mail. I was vitamin deficient…it was a scary dark time. I didn’t really meet anyone with my story…a lot of people still had jobs with their problems…or could go for a walk…I couldn’t really connect with anyone when it came to my story. I was just carrying my problems alone…fighting as hard as I humanly can to make sense of the world…find the point in living. Eventually I tackled one thing at a time…started eating better…which led to weight loss, which led to being able to move better, exercise…which made me lose more weight…and like this snow ball effect…I lost 100 pounds and had completely changed all my eating habits and drug habits….completely went sober…and with this mountain I conquered, I started to challenge myself to go outside. Its been a strange past two years…I feel like I’m standing for once….and I’m riding that high as far as it will take me….I was  always a quiet person, to myself…never wanted to bug anyone…and to be honest the trust issues were really bad, just lost faith in people…didn’t see the need to take the risk….some how always got hurt when I got to close to anyone….and as a result its really hard for me to let go like that….kinda became the lone wolf…and its just been my way ever since. I figure when there’s evidence that there’s a soul out there that actually cares for me….I’ll listen. But like the old saying goes…gotta keep truckin…and so I do…..this last month was the first time I went out by myself to go visit an old friend…the first time I drove a car by myself in the last 11 years….and it was the greatest feeling in the world to feel normal again…. I started to remember that dark room I lived in for so long where i wanted nothing but death….I hated being alive! ….. and as I was driving that freeway alone…those kinda memories seemed to fade away with each mile closer to my friends house…like I was running from an old monster….and I was winning. I feel for once, maybe I’m gonna make it…..and I just wanted others to know….one day you’ll see that demon in the review mirror too….and its worth flooring it my friend….don’t ever look back…..believe and never stop believing….its funny how a few simple decisions gave me the couple of tools I was missing that helped me build the legs I’m standing on today……day by day my friend….choice by choice.  I shouldn’t be here….but I am, and I’m so greateful….I was almost checking out there…..I still carry this heavy feeling in my heart daily….a sadness thats hard to explain but I understand life is a circle of good and bad things….and its worth fighting, its worth appreciating and its worth living….just takes the platform to perfom…and you gotta build that first….and that takes a series of desicions you must make….and I hope you make them my friend….you deserve to smile <3

2 Comments
  1. harvey01 5 years ago

    I’m happy for you my friend. You’ve been fighting that demon for a long time. I understand how bad things can get, how heavy a burden it is to carry around. Yet you fought back and took control. You saw light where there was only darkness before. You are motivating me to get my butt in gear!

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  2. elf 5 years ago

    Go, live life! Your story is wonderful. I really like “one day you’ll see that demon in the review mirror too….and its worth flooring it my friend….don’t ever look back”

    I hope many others are encouraged by your journey and fight.

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