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So I guess I should give a back story? (warning I ramble for anyone who actually bothers to read this…) Heh…so many of these posts seem to be from teens, and I’m glad that they’ve reached out so young, but it makes me feel rather foolish at 28… Anyway here goes…

I’ve questioned my whole life about who I am, but doesn’t everybody? I was raised in a Christian home by phobic parents. My mother told me years ago that the worst thing to ever happen to her would be if one of her children came out as gay. They were furious and heartbroken just to find out I SUPPORTED the LGBT community. So I know I can never tell them certain truths about me…Like how I’m agnostic and how I feel like I may not be the right? gender. I don’t know if this is a right or wrong type of thing. I don’t think it is…just not the gender I’m “supposed” to be biologically? I just…ugh… blundering around in the dark room filled with pointy sticks…

I’ve told one person yesterday. She was so accepting and supportive, so I decided to look for more support. (At her urging) Been reading and researching things (again at her urging. I’m very lucky to have her as a friend obviously heh…) So here I am on this hopefully lovely site to try to find support and knowledge.

I feel like a fake in all this. Like I’m just “deciding/chosing/saying/etc.” that I am this way to explain why I’m miserable. To get attention. To…I dunno something. Mostly because I’m 28 and it just now seemed to click in my head that this is what I want. But after a lot of thinking about my life and feelings and all that jazz I don’t think this is a recent thing. I just keep NOT thinking about it. NOT going there. It’s a joke that I make while inside I scream “Please accept this. Accept me. I’m not joking!” But no one has ever heard… it’s just a joke. “Oh, you’re not serious. Yeah, I know right.” Hahaha….

I never felt…right. I never felt like I was “supposed” to feel as the gender I was born into. I felt better doing the exact opposite of what I was supposed to. Better with the other gender. I’m not saying I never made friends with my biological gender, or connected with the culturally acceptable hobbies/looks/actions of my sex. But for the most part it didn’t click for me. I was told it was because of my weight. Because I was emo. Because I was just weird. So I lost weight. (Gained all of that weight and more back these last few years…) I tried to be what they wanted.

Nope.

I’ve tried so many things for so many years to make myself happy. If you can’t tell I obviously live with depression..heh. I’m not saying accepting this part of me, or understanding the truth of this possible part of me is what will make me happy. I know it’s not that easy. There isn’t a key to open the golden box that releases rainbows and butterflies. But it’s something I feel like I need to examine at the very least.

I’m terrified to even look down this road or glance at this corner of my being, but I think it’s been buried too long. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe this is all a ploy/mistake/confusion/desperation I have no clue. That’s why I’m here. That’s why this kind of site exists…right? So…there it is…

1 Comment
  1. elisabeth 3 years ago

    Hey Jak Kisa: I am new here, as well, and just read your little (NON-rambling! lol) ‘blog.’ My heart goes out to you, hon, right away. Firstly, let me tell you that you are ‘JUST 28 years old’–SO YOUNG!!! (says the 49 yr.old) BUT HONESTLY JAK–You aren’t running out of time–you’re just catching up with it!! A Gender Issue is Huge. I know from SECOND-hand experience. (So, I am not the BEST person to give you advice –i just want to encourage you.) My very best friend in the world, (whose 4 children are my godchildren) is currently going through one of her children transitioning. It really doesn’t matter which way (male-female or vice versa) bc the whole issue is so very difficult. That said, though, I encourage you to become who you really feel you are (male, female or otherwise). I suppose, as with any ‘secret, you have to weigh the outcomes and they could adversely affect you. However, like ‘coming out’ as anything (other than what people have assumed you are) is super difficult. Then again, doing it at 68 must be just as hard. Perhaps you’re parents wouldn’t be alive, but there are many other relatives & friends to deal with. It’s hard, no doubt….but I think it must be harder to pretend to be someone you’re not. I hope this helps you think a bit more. Not that i’ve said anything near profound — just from the heart. And mine, as I said, goes out to you. All the best hon.

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