I’m not sure how to explain or describe, but my life is total chaos, but yet, I don’t mind.  I’m not suicidal, I don’t think I’m depressed yet if I died today, yipee.  If I got with the wrong guy and he turned out to be a serial killer, yipee.  I hate what it is I do, but I”ve learned to not let it bug me…when it happens, I just turn off my brain, go to some place in my head and hang out there until they finish.

I’m also kinda bugged cuz my whole life, I remember my mom saying do this or do that or wear this, want that, just about anything would make me a slut, prove i’m a slut or make me look like a slut.  In elementary school,  I love p.e., playing basketball, dodgeball, running, kickball, all those and each time, only sluts do those things…are you now a slut?  In 4th grade, my teacher said to my mom how good of a student I was and how math was so easy for me…how I was a natural at it and all kinds of complements….on the way home, she gave me the nastiest look, said girls don’t need math, only sluts need math, guess I am just a cheap whore.  Why do I insist on degrading myself and my family??  Why can’t I be a good girl???

So, I guess she was right, although I never did good in math after that, and I always tried to be a good girl, guess it just wasn’t meant to be… I am what I am, and maybe this is all I will ever be…maybe i was destined for this life.


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