I have been married just short of 22 years now and still in the process of raising the family. Ours has been a commited marriage in most ways. I will never say it has been easy because if I would I sure wouldn't be telling the truth. Every marriage is a work in progress…always ups and downs like a rollercoaster. But it seems to me as if perhaps there have been way to many downs in ours. We have endured much more saddness then most and we have held on. But none of which we can blame ourselves for just happenings in our journey together…illness's, deaths of many close loved ones, accidents that have injured loved ones and such.
When you are brought into a union such as marriage, I believe we all look for that fairy tale ending, but that is not a reality. In our marriage we have fought as if we were warriors, trying to hold on tight and win the war against the world. But as in war there comes wounds that perhaps can never be healed, emotions that are taken from you and trauma that cannot be treated properly. This is where forgiveness comes in. It is truly not easy to forgive when it is so hard to try forget the pain you may cause eachother, even when it is unintenially caused. I work with this on a daily basis…forgiveness!!! I still hold strong to the feelings I had years ago and can't seem to let go because of what addictions have done to us. Because of the addictions alot of anger is inside my heart and it has made me a different person then who I was 20 some odd years ago. I want more than anything to be like that fun loving free spirited girl I once was instead of this woman trapped feeling trapped in a box not being able to speak what she feels because I feel as if noone wants to hear or care to hear how I truly feel because it would be to much to bear. So I go thru my life keeping silent about it and try to forgive. This alone makes me want to go and be alone by myself to try to find who I once was. Then on the other hand I am one who does not want to be alone…I just want solice and happiness back inside me.
I made a commitment and a vow to God and I know that to break this vow is considered a sin, but there are so many times I have wanted to just walk away…especially in the past few years. The hurt and the pain sometimes fell so unbearable. It's as if we have grown apart from eachother and I don't honestly think he realizes just how much. I want to feel recognised again not cast off in a corner somewhere. I want to feel as if my feelings are worth something to him. Feeling this way basically pulls me further from him. I feel as if I am here if only for the title of being his wife. I have this need to feel respected and wanted and not so much needed. I need for my husband to stand by me and support how I feel as far as morals and virtues go, not blow them off as if they mean nothing at all. This right now is my fight in this union of ours. I married God and him vowing to stay in this union to honor and respect, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health til death due us part, but I feel as if he has broken the vow to God and me of honor and respect…he doesn't honor my feelings when it comes to many things including what I believe in as far as how our children should respect us as parents. I have never heard him stick up for me when our one child decides to disrespect me with some of the words he chooses to use in front of me or for words he choses to use when he is in a heated rage towards me. His excuse is always…"he's a boy…boys are like that". So I should just turn the other cheek at this? This is not the way I was taught a marriage should be. He sweeps it all under the rug rather than to stand beside me and show me that much respect. When the children are raised and gone…where will we be as a whole? I can say if it continues on like this there won't be a "whole" us. He for the most part is a very good husband but it is the honor and respect part of my vows that I cannot accept his ways about. How can one want to stay in a union feeling this way. I want so much to start our life as empty nesters and we have took on the obligation of raising two young children that were not born to us. When we took this obligation on I never thought that we would be raising them til they were fully grown, I believed that in time things would be different..that perhaps their "mother" would mend her ways but unfortunately for the children she has only worsened her ways. They have siblings that live with their grandmother and I know if given the chance they would love to grow with them as a family, especially the eldest of the two. I used to agree with my husband that it probably wouldn't be in the best interest for the boys to go live there given the situation but who are we to really make that decision