I'm bored, bored bored bored…
Most here think That I am fine because i do not have many PA's as most here have and seem to be normal again. This unfortunately is not the case, because for all the therapy and work I have done on myself, This stuff still controls me. I still have to think if I go out will I lose control and go into a panic attack, or even the beginings of one? True, I am not as limited as I once was five years ago, but still limited nonetheless, I am begining to think that I will never be able to find the compartment in my brain that this fear hides and purge it forever….I know this is a nervous system disorder rather than a brain disorder per say, I do know that if my brain and thoughts are in some sort of harmony, no inkling of anxiety will affect my body…so the brain plays a big component in this
Hmmmm.. maybe if I can imagine myself going through the compartments and staterooms in my brain I can get the villian who is hiding and causing trouble and purge him forever.. kind of like what Han solo and Luke Skywalker did in the first Star Wars when they were stuck in that garbage compactor. Purge him out the door with all the other garbaged thoughts to float in the nether regions, hopefully not able to latch on to someone else.
If I imagine him correctly in his true form, he would have a big handle bar mustache, and maybe a monocle and wears a dark cloak, something what you would imagine a villian would look like to be if he lived in a campy 1800's England movie.. maybe he would look like Snidley Whiplash from the 60's Cartoon "Dudley Doo-Right". Which if you were to meet him in real life, I am sure you would be taken aback…because beside the mustache and magicians type hat.. his skin was BLUE!!
Of course thinking of him makes me think of another such cartoon villian that looks like him, (sans the blue skin) named dick dastardly. Even though I spose Dick could look like the guy I am pursuing in my brain, to be honest.. he would just make me laugh if he were the one I caught, lets face it.. Dick goes no where without his side kick Muttley, and who can be afraid of a dog that snickers.. well now that i think of a it, a real life dog that snickers all the time would scare the piss outta me as well.
Oh well, whatever he looks like, I am sure it does no good if I caught him because the security of my mind resemble the "Keystone Cops" of the Charlie Chaplan era, and those guys never did anything right.. just jumped in a truck and rode up and down the streets waving their batons in the air and shouting and throwing cream pie's. Perhaps I should start imagining security as being more of bad asses.. Like a die hard bruce willis type, Robocop, or some such.
WIth my luck, my security prolly resembles Barney Fife with much the same personality.. the bastard…I hire him to look after the brain and whatever treasures and junk that I store up there and he lets a bad character run amoke up there and twist and turn the knobs that control various switches to my body. I have not fired him yet because i think he is unionized and some ass hole overpaid teamster will show up with a lawsuit at my door…damn that Barney Fife security guy.
I think should look into our Human resource hiring policy tho and see that we are not trying to hire the affirmative action sort of way.. no matter what the law says, and hire the best person for the job instead. No more hiring from the imbecile pool just because we don't have enough imbeciles working for us, no matter if we get picketed.. F them I dont wanna live this apprehensive way anymore, even if the Bin Laden in my mind is not causing as much havok as he once did, he and his memory are still there and have an affect….geez, cant even take a simple antibiotic without some apprehension.
THought I would try some sort of stream of conscious writting I used to do, to see if I could still do it, and see that the Paxil and anxiety of five years ago didn't take it all away. Yes my mind really thinks thoughts like this, it's rather odd the way it jumps, and i like to imagine there are people in my mind sitting up in a Star Trek type bridge working the arms and legs and eyes and breathing and such..
Makes it more interesting to have someone easier for me to blame if things don't go right for me instead of just plain ol grey matter. Hell to keep with the STar Trek theme, I have become more logical in my way of thinking to explain away any panic attacks before they start happening.. and who is more logical than Mr Spock? I just wish the little Vulcan nut-job would pitch in a little of his Algebraic knowledge once in a while, cause i have always sucked at anything above algebra 2…grrrrrrrr..
Oh well, if worse comes to worse, I just have to learn not to obsess over things anymore, learn to accept things around me that are beyond my control, such as nature. Learn that things happen for a reason.. even if that reason is only because I left the ice cream out on the counter and thus, it melted all over.. and no deeper meaning than that. Get back to the simpler way of thinking when i was a kid, that things like pets dying are just natural things, no matter how hard we tried to keep them from running out in the street, you can only do so much, sometimes you have to let their instinct or others to take control of their live's and we can only trust that they will come out ok.
NO use in ruining my mental health because someone is too stupid which makes my thoughts in turn stupid.
Thats why I am bored, I am bored with my way of thinking, I wanna learn to get back to how I was.. with the knowledge that I really did not know what others were thinking, nor wishing I could control their thoughts about me. I have hard enough time trying to control how cold my feet have been getting lately rather than trying to control or worry about others thoughts.. why live that way, thats really no way to live.
Once again… started on one subject and ended on a way different subject…that's about par for the course and the way I used to write, perhaps I haven't changed that much at all, I just forgot to remember who I used to be. Aftre all, I have already been thru the whole "I feel like I am dying over and over again" crap a million times. Forgetting anything less frightening like being afraid to be in a crowd of people I do not know should be a breeze.
Unless one in that crowd is trying to stop a pidgeon, and has a dog that laughs at bad jokes, then I will just stay home for the time being and let things blow over.