It’s been awhile since I last posted a blog here and I’ve been meaning to write here again for some time… Just I never got much time to myself without the partner being around to actually get on here and express my thoughts and feelings.
I have no idea what I last talked about in the last blog, but I’m sure not much has changed since then. I was very sick there for abit, ended up in hospital just because my body was run down. But I’m better, I think. Pshycially. Emotionally, I’m still the same. Perhaps even worse. I don’t know to be quite honest. Though my thoughts are all over the place at the moment. One mintue I feel somewhat happy inside and have the ambition to do something with myself and then the next I can’t even get out of bed to do the dishes or laundry. And my thoughts… well they are mainly based on my relationship with my partner. Because honestly… Where I am today, he is the only person in my life. Friends and family are far away and fair few. I don’t have anyone I can turn too. And well… my partner isn’t the supportive type person in that department.
My thoughts are of leaving him. Going back to where my family and friends are and I cry my tears out to him and we talk. Tell each other what is going on, how we feel and then afterwards I feel horrible. I can feel his hurt inside when I tell him how I feel. And it just makes me change my mind and want to stay. But then again in a day or too I’m feeling the same again and I want to leave him because inside I am unhappy. But for me to leave him, makes me feel selfish for even thinking this or wanting to do this. I am though, going to get away for acouple of days to spend with a friend. And I told him this. That I need some time away, we need acouple of days apart. Perhaps then, I can remember why and feel the love I have for him be stronger. Dont get me wrong, I love him deeply. But sometimes I feel that our love is slowly dying. And I don’t know if it’s just me and my crazy thoughts that are just putting this into my head. But I feel as though I want something more in our relationship. Something more in life. He is helping himself become more out there sort of person in society and has even created work for himself and is helping me too. But why am I so unhappy still?
I should be greatful for the things I have in life. I have a partner that does love me, puts up with me, cares for me. I have a beautiful dog named Lucy, a roof over my head and food in my stomich. And now work oppurtunity given to me.
I did get my medication put up again… to 150. I tired coming off it, but it’s alot harder than some may think. I have even been going to the gym 3-5 days a week to feel happier about myself. But it ends up only being a temporary feeling.
Sometimes I just don’t know who I am anymore… Perhaps I am going insane.