I have to visit my grandfather and mother today. I am very anxious about visiting the former. As my grandfather was my father figure in my life, I do owe him, and I owe him my life as I was born premature. I suppose I will go into that further in another post. But I am getting off topic.


I feel very, very anxious around people. Especially around large crowds and more so around people I do not know. I feel anxious around my mother, but that is tolerable and sometimes nonexistant. Around my grandfather though, I feel it immensely. Why do I feel this way? I have a comfort zone like many of the nice people on here and ( I can count on one hand) do have people I feel comfortable around. People I have known since birth. I have had what I call "aquaintances" or what others call "friends" but have lost them because of this unreasonable fear to socialize. But why with him? And why with my own mother sometimes?


I have been dealing with "social Phobia" since I was in elementary school, and "GAD" since high school. But I will go into all of that later in a different post. Right now, my biggest problem is trying to understand the anxiety felt towards my own family. I understand feeling this way towards people, but my own family? To even visit my sister I have to take days to work up to it. Though I do not have panic attacks around my grandfather (unless I am alone with him) I still feel nervous, like my body weighs a ton. I don\'t know. Does anyone else feel like this with their family? And if so, how do you deal with it? My grandfather does not understand why I am not a social person and he pushes me to be so. I know if I tell him I feel the same way towards him, it would hurt our relationship further, and I do not want to lose another father or friend. I guess I will continue to try meditiation and exercise and everything else my therapist has suggested, but after all these years I still bound by chains.


To end the suffering of those reading I will conclude this blog post, but I just wondered if anyone else felt the same, and if so, what does a person do to cope? I feel horrible being anxious and trembling around people, but I feel worse when I am anxious around my own grand"father". Thank you for reading. My first blog post, so if I did this wrong, please tell me what I did wrong and any suggestions on how to go about writing a "blog". Thank you again. Peace.


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