Who do I talk to (right now) where no one understands why inspite of so many things being good, all I can see is bad and all I can anticipate is bad scenerios. all that comes out are tears…..fear is right at the front of all my thoughts. I realize that the whole time my best friend was visiting I was anxious because I knew my depression was showing, that if I tried to explain it, it would only hurt, or might hurt because she might not understand. I should have let it out….let it all out. I realize that only now…..maybe I could write her a note.

Yesterday my daughter found out that only my Dad will be allowed in his car with her to learn to drive. She can't do this and it was a huge blow to her. right when she was ready to try again. An old friend had offered the use of a car, and I am waiting to hear back from her. Mom mentioned buying a car for Ness….her friend has done the same for a grandaughter. I am so depressed over life in general that I don't want to bring it up or even talk to them at all this morning…..maybe I will and just tell them I am depressed. It is someone to be able to share that with. I of course have never told anyone at work, and yet they are the only people I usually see. I would look into a depression support group, but there is one person I need to avoid and i don't know if she is there…..I should just say hell with it and go, but that is where I made some very unhealthy friends before and wasted a lot of time.

Maybe the coffee will help this morning. I ran out of my stimulant. I also woke up late and that always makes things worse. tomorrow I work and maybe that will help in general. I hope I can at least take care of the crabgrass today and get my daughter to work on her taxes. now that she has given up on normal sleeep and is doing 3AM to 3PM again it is nearly impossible to get her to do things.

Life seems like it sucks. Much fear of financial future, and with my negativity this morning, I see no hope. I wish I had woken up in better spirits although it's never good. It's just worse this morning. I don't know how many people will rread this, but even just if it is a couple, I will know that someone is hearing me, and probably someone who understands what I am saying. I hope the day improves. I may call my parents next. they understand although they are half full glass people, but of course they have each other and plenty of money. Two situations for me that would greatly improve my life. Shit…I hate life most of the time. I wantt to end this on a positive note, but I just feel worse than when I started writing. I guess there is a lot to be sad/frustrated about. Hitting a low this morning….and don't feel I have the resources to pull myself up….no stimulant and no friend on-line. I need to find more tools to make myself feel better.