Who do I talk to (right now) where no one understands why inspite of so many things being good, all I can see is bad and all I can anticipate is bad scenerios. all that comes out are tears…..fear is right at the front of all my thoughts. I realize that the whole time my best friend was visiting I was anxious because I knew my depression was showing, that if I tried to explain it, it would only hurt, or might hurt because she might not understand. I should have let it out….let it all out. I realize that only now…..maybe I could write her a note.

Yesterday my daughter found out that only my Dad will be allowed in his car with her to learn to drive. She can't do this and it was a huge blow to her. right when she was ready to try again. An old friend had offered the use of a car, and I am waiting to hear back from her. Mom mentioned buying a car for Ness….her friend has done the same for a grandaughter. I am so depressed over life in general that I don't want to bring it up or even talk to them at all this morning…..maybe I will and just tell them I am depressed. It is someone to be able to share that with. I of course have never told anyone at work, and yet they are the only people I usually see. I would look into a depression support group, but there is one person I need to avoid and i don't know if she is there…..I should just say hell with it and go, but that is where I made some very unhealthy friends before and wasted a lot of time.

Maybe the coffee will help this morning. I ran out of my stimulant. I also woke up late and that always makes things worse. tomorrow I work and maybe that will help in general. I hope I can at least take care of the crabgrass today and get my daughter to work on her taxes. now that she has given up on normal sleeep and is doing 3AM to 3PM again it is nearly impossible to get her to do things.

Life seems like it sucks. Much fear of financial future, and with my negativity this morning, I see no hope. I wish I had woken up in better spirits although it's never good. It's just worse this morning. I don't know how many people will rread this, but even just if it is a couple, I will know that someone is hearing me, and probably someone who understands what I am saying. I hope the day improves. I may call my parents next. they understand although they are half full glass people, but of course they have each other and plenty of money. Two situations for me that would greatly improve my life. Shit…I hate life most of the time. I wantt to end this on a positive note, but I just feel worse than when I started writing. I guess there is a lot to be sad/frustrated about. Hitting a low this morning….and don't feel I have the resources to pull myself up….no stimulant and no friend on-line. I need to find more tools to make myself feel better.

1 Comment
  1. elf 6 years ago

    That is a lot for this morning. 

    I wish you had been able to share with your friend while she visited. But, maybe you can write her. Your friend may actually know. Or perhaps you can call her. I recently talked with two high school friends and talked a lot about my depression. They were very understanding. You just have to be careful with whom you share. I have been burned a couple of times in the past year by telling the wrong people.

    Reach out to your parents. They may not totally get it, but they love you. they are your parents. I am sorry your father is insistent on being the one to teach Ness in his car. Unless he has the patience to deal with her, it will be a disaster. I hope a solution presents itself soon for you. Either the friend's car or your mother buying Ness a car.

    Wish I could write more to you now, but I need to get out to go give blood. Have to go now so my daughter can drive me home.

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