after a full on week of happily helping my friend by taking her into town to the doctors and then again a few days later to get her a new laptop and sort some other stuff i fell into a bit of a funk – it was tiring enough without hearing all about what a fool i was when i came back – so i took a long, hot bath to combat the onset of the blues but still they came

i am sad and mad and bad and have been in bed for the last two days only going outside to tend to the animals twice a day (a process which begins and ends in floods of tears in the foetal position)

i know i am very fortunate – i have food, water, shelter and an adult child who loves me – yet i also have a hole in my heart and a cruel voice in my head and a body that does not seem to belong to me

why must i be either up or down – why can't i just feel even, balanced, at peace?

i am aware that it is not ME that is wrong but that i have an illness (several Dx – the latest being schizophrenia) that make me feel this way – yet still i feel hopeless, worthless and out of control for about two or three weeks out of every four

i take my medication as prescribed (minus the inderal which is in carer's hands due to attempted overdose last easter)

i see a psychiatrist at my insistence approx every six months for a medication review which is the only thing available on the public health system and last time came out with a new diagnosis but no change to medication ??? and the advice to contact my childhood abuser for the money to pursue private treatment ???

i see a psychologist when i can, at a minimum monthly, again at my insistence as available on public health

i research suicide methods, compose letters of explanation, apology and farewell to my daughter

i cry, rage, wallow in self pity and self harm

i post to DT when i can get online

thanks for reading

1 Comment
  1. Heather_Taylor 5 years ago

    Aswa, My heart goes out to you.  I feel your pain.  I have been there before, though not as long, and with more breaks.  It does sound like you are not getting the Rx help that you need.  Use everything else that you can think of.  I am glad that you can write here to DT.  I am extremely low this morning and came here as I can think of nothing else to help me.  Perhaps reach out to your abuser for money for help with more Rx guidance.  i know it would hurt.  Please hang in there.  I have confidence that you will get better.  You are very strong.  I wish I could IM with you, or feel free to send me a private message.  I wish we could hang out together and I could be with someone who would understand a quiet serious person and I could let you be the person you are and listen to your feelings and encourage you to keep sreading your wings.  Fly!!!!

     

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