i'm honestly just trying to hold on. for a while i was able to be happy at some times, but now there is a constant cloud over everything. any remote happiness i appear to have is faked and even the act of being happy has become almost too tiring to keep up.

i feel like i want help, but i don't know how to go about it. no one in my family even knows i've struggled, and i would absolutely die if they ever found out so that isn't an option. i have a friend who knows about the whole cutting issue, but she believes it's in the past. i think she has an inkling that i'm not all good right now, but i don't think she really gets it. and she'd been through a hard time a year ago, and i don't want to drag her into this kind of thing when she managed to beat it when i didn't. it just isn't fair to her, you know?

i keep feeling guilty over things that have happened, and i can't change. i analyze conversations i've had with people, trivial conversations, and keep feeling that i should have said something different. i keep replaying them and wishing i could have said something differently even when i know it doesn't matter and the other person doesn't care. i feel like i am a disappointment to everyone for not living up to expectations. my parents think i'm someone i'm not, and i can't live with the idea of them finding out that i'm not the happy child they think i am.

sorry, i know this is a long blog, but i feel lost and would appreciate any help anyone could give. sometimes the nice words given here make such a huge difference. anyway, thanks to anyone reading this, it's nice to know that there are people out there listening.