For the most part, things have been better in the last couple of days. I actually didn't take any of the clonazepam today because I forgot to. I guess I wasn't worried enough that I ran for the prescription bottle. Not sure if that'll affect things in the long run – the doctor who prescribed it to me told me that I should just take it when I need it, a therapist I was seeing told me to take it twice a day like clockwork because it builds up in the system.
I still can't stop obsessing about my thoughts and feelings. Every thought that enters my head goes through a "Is this the sort of thing a normal person would think about?" kind of question. I still have fears of hurting someone or something, although I don't visualize it in my head as much, if that makes any sense. I can't win. When the thoughts are there, I get terrified that I'll lose control and act on them. When they're not, I worry that I've become used to them to the point where I'm desensitized to the pain of other people. I try to visualize situations in which people I know are in pain, and try to imagine how I would feel about it. I get scared that I'm going to become one of those people who takes pleasure in others' pain. I don't want that at all. Most of the time I just feel numb to everything. I see those ads for sponsoring impoverished children in Africa or donating to the Humane Society, and I can't seem to conjure up very much emotion other than the faintest feeling of, "Oh, that's a shame." Yet if I face even the smallest disappointment in my life, I burst into tears. It seems incredibly selfish to me, as though I don't care about anyone's pain but my own, and I've never considered myself a selfish person. It's frightening.
I want to care. But sometimes, I'm not entirely sure that I do.
I don't doubt for a second that you are very much a truly caring, compassionate person. The fact that you hold it in such high regard, and fear so much being the opposite, shows that.
But it might help curb your fears if you just let yourself go and face them.
I hope I don't send you into a panic attack saying this, and I would definitely consult with a therapist before trying any sort of ERPT therapy on your own, but maybe picture yourself in the following situation.
What IF (and I use that word strongly) you do become desensitized to the pain of other people? What's the worst that could happen? Probably nothing. It seems as if most of society is somewhat desensitized to violence and other disturbing things, since we're bombarded with such on TV and in the movies. It still doesn't mean that you wouldn't have ANY empathy, and it doesn't mean you're selfish-it's only natural to be concerned foremost with things that are going on in your own life. Whenever you feel like this just think of all the good things that people still do for each other. If it helps, maybe you could start donating to a charity for impoverished children overseas, or any charity for that matter.
Once this starts to bother you less and less, then you can move on to more disturbing thoughts.
Without ANY empathy, it would be impossible to be overtaken by the desire to harm someone or to take pleasure in another person's suffering.
Lately, I've decided to just accept that my worst fear might be true. That I might not be as happy as I was back before all of this OCD started, and that I might never be. I feel like I'm slowly starting to be more and more comfortable with this. It's been very liberating for me to just simply admit that I don't have all the answers and I'm a very confused person. But everything will still be okay. It doesn't mean that the OCD has won.
People who have been through pain are not insensitive to pain in others. Those in denial, probaly behave in an insensitive manner because of their denial. People that have various types of depression (bi-polar comes to mind) may act "funny" depending on where they find themselves in their cycle. As for your medication, I have no experience with being told to take it as needed. This seems to be advice for physical ailments, not mental ones.