When March bites in more ways then one, what do you do?

For the most part of this winter it has been hard.  I have been struggling with myself to get outside and wouldn’t you know it today was the day that I finally was able to.  I knew that I must do it for me.  I knew I came into this world all alone and alone I’ll leave and today I was all alone, spiritually. My family members were here close by, but my spirit was nowhere to be found.  I felt verbally  violated.  I felt degrated and all alone.  My spirit hurt cause I was told of my worth, which was not much. When it becomes so hard to talk to someone  and the confict becomes unbareable, you question yourself, you question your life. You go deep inside, but the hurt doesn’t become less unbareable!  You feel, helpless, hopeless, you feel traped and unable to function.  You want to resort on your old friend the compulsive disorder freind, except you find that you have wasted enough of your life already.  You are unable to function, so you think let me go take that walk.  The walk that becomes difficult and more difficult each and every passing day.  You feel unloved while your listening to music and yet it is the only other friend, real freind besides the OCD!   Ypour life flashed you by and flashbacks are invading your mind, so much negativity from people.  So much hurt they inflict on others.  It becomes impossible to talk to someone who is that bull headed, but, yet, you try.  And for me I just feel like I wasted my life away to just be understood.  I stayed too lond, even though it seemed like I lived a brief minute, and I accomplished so little it seems.  So…….I pull enough strength to put on a zip up sweat shirt , a jacket, and a scarf.  My scarf cicles my head in a funny turben or babooska type.  And though it is not that cold for me it is enough to hide and mask myself from the world.  My heart troubled and hidden from the world.  I want to talk to my son, to tell him about my life, to tell him about his life, yet the words are englued in my mouth in pain.  I cannot utter. I cannot make a sound.  I am a mute from a place of a different world and region.  I cry my silent tears, thinking no one will know, and no one can see me!   I go out the door, walk past some soft mud, and off I go.  My mind races, and my thoughts are empowering.  I try sometimes not to think about anything.  I can see the gravel and feel the gravel underneath my feet, so I walk in between it. I meet up with the first bridge, and I meet up with the second bridge.  There I rest and weep out to God.  I ask him questions that are coming from the depth of my soul.  Why I ask!?  Why are you making me go through this again? At the second bridge where the Sheridan river runs past and little whirlpools are forming in the water.  It is so still and peaceful, that it almost doesn’t seem to matter.  The trees, part of them are washed in. I stop to blow my nose, that decides to break free, and I get a bloody nose.  But just as before now more than ever, my eyes with tears look away to passing vehicles. The brown winter scarf loosly as it is but draped to hide my face.  I feel my shamefull cries and I hide back my tears.  Still I feel a release from my voyage by myside is God, who is guiding me by.  It feels all alone.  My heart no one can abide.  For all I wanted was to be understood, and loved that I came by. I pick up the pieces of my shatered souls and bring it fast back to go inside, to this little home that long ago I had ask father to find.  My little country home, that I said God, give me a home with a hole in the roof I will find a way, just to have my little ones heads and a roof on top of us and be inside.  For God had always answered my prayers, as long as I had asked him.  What has changed from this time?  We come to the world alone and we leave it the same.  We take nothing with, but our little spirit that is inside.  We just want to be understood, and we want to feel welcomed and wanted here, so we can have this liitle bite of love inside.  So, when March screams and bites, sometimes it’s really a lot deeper that it goes inside.  May you find peace whereever you are.  May your pains be less, and comfort come from inside. May you be blessed with the real joy that comes from this peace inside.  God bless, and take care,  I am here to pass this word fo anyone who is willing to stop, listen, and come inside!  Love to all, with much warmth-Ekaterini   

1 Comment
  1. buffster 12 years ago

    \..well-prosed & straight from the heart Kathy..gives us a lil more insight as to your lonliness now..when I lived up there in Kirksville a few years ago I too would get meloncholy as well..& here was the remedy which I sincerely hope you will follow suit on..go up to Washington Street’ Java Company there on the square & sit for several hours with a nice cup of hot coffee & a biscotti & engage in vigorous conversation with some young students from TSU & KCOM..I think you will find interacting with them & their optimism & youthful viberance will envigorate your mind & spirit & they will learn as much from you as you do from them..plus it gets you outta the house..best 2 you & your family & wishes that all resolves itself..good luck & be strong..\

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