I've been meaning to write now for a while.

I'm still struggeling with Having my cat put down. I still feel bad even though I know it was for the best … 🙁

I spent NYE Struggeling with it ( not sure if I already wrote that ) So my plan for 2012 to start out "Fresh" didnt really work out all that well. I spent it Crying to a friend while drunk about how bad I felt about the decision and how much I loved/missed him.

On Jan 14th my sis had a baby … she didnt know she was pregnant. Both are perfectly healthy and I am head over heals in love with her. honstly focusing on her has taken away a lot of my thoughts ..for small amounts of time anyways. My sis is only 19 and not really having time to think about it or plan for it she has a little baby. She's still living with my parents and we threw her a shower , friends of mine and my other sister who have had kids reacently had things that she needed so she has everything furniture wise. We threw her a baby shower so she has a lot of everything she needs. Things actually came together pretty quick and it's great how all our friends and family came together like they did for my sis and the babes. They are doing GREAT and she is the absolute most precious thing on earth !! I've been down helping my sis out as much as possible …. babysitting if she needs to go out to get things she needs,tidying up, getting bottles ready,changing diapers ,feeding ect. And I love every second of it. Sometimes she feeds my ocd too. Espicially the germ and contamination part …. but its getting better … I've been changing dirty diapers …. there's no better exposure theraphy for germs then that LOL Not only that but on the "bad" days that my thoughts get me down or I have anxiety I think about how I need to keep it together because she is going to need me in her life.

Besides that I have been attempting dating. With no luck of course. And for some reason its triggering my anxiety too.

I started with a new psychologist a couple of weeks ago she said that she thinks I'm doing great but that she thinks I need to work on changing my way of thinking and how to re direct my thoughts. Thats the first time i've heard that my old psychologist never suggested it . She was good to talk to and understanding but I felt like I wasnt getting anything from the sessions…. I have a little more hope now that this one is going to be a little more productive. She said that even if I had been taking my meds right around xmas that because of all the bad things that happened in the small amount of time that even an average person possibly wouldn't be able to cope very well and that she thought despite everything I was handeling it pretty good. Little does she know only for the support of my friends the last couple of months and the joy my little niece has brought into my life that I dont know if I would have , there were days I wanted to walk myself right into the hospital. I've never really had "suicidal" thoughts I value life way too much … good or bad you only get one and we are all here for SOME reason…. I dont think it's up to us to decide or even know what that reason is… our only job is to continue to live and experience as much as we can.

Anyways just wanted to get some things off my mind .

Off to work I go Hope you all are doing well <3


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