Had some very silly analogies pop into my head tonight. I did some driving, in the dark, relatively traffic free, alone. An activity that lends itself well to thinking. The hypnotherapy recordings may be helping. As much as I feel that it's likely to be nothing more than snake oil.

I became very clear of mind and in touch with my emotions, something that's rare and fleeting for me. And it made me think of 'The Never Ending Story' lol. I'm filled with this huge, growing, black void, disolving me from the inside, pulling me down into despair. That's a silly movie, especially the part where the horse 'drowns'. Horses have the strongest will to survive. That pony would've liked to smash that platform and climb straight over Atreyu to get the heck out of the swamp…. but I digress.

Now that I've seemed to have been able to close the chapters and say goodbye to the failed relationships that haunted me, other memories are surfacing and I'm having a rather unwelcomed but possibly more objective view. Possibly it's more of a paradigm shift.

Really, I'm just confused. I don't know what to believe. It's pretty hilarious now, but I used to be a very positive idealist. A very adament believer in everything happening for a reason. Easilly taken with enthusiasm, infectious enthusiasm. I used to rescue people who were being eaten by this The Never Ending Story 'the nothing' that seems to be engulfing me now from the inside out.

And I thought I was helping, but was it all just delusions?

I see learned helplessness from others everyday. I'm very skilled at breaking down those barriers and helping others achieve goals they didn't think they could acheive.

Why can I do for others what I can't do for myself?

I'm feeling a lot of shame. Not fit for human contact. And I'm realizing now more then ever that I have to keep up an appearance of strenght, because there are people who are depending on me to be this strong, positive role model in their lives.

There are a few things that I've recognized the value of, faith which right now I don't have, self-acceptance, and detachment. A healthy level of detachment.

I'm not solid in my worldview or beliefs.

There is logically one way around this though. Living in the moment. Because in the moment there is no hope or disappointment because there is no future and there is no regret because there is no past.

It seems that the more I learn the less I know and it's just about surviving right now. I need to remind myself everyday as I want to drink just to escape the stress that a mistake like that has to be avoided at all costs.

Oh and the value of confidence as well. Things I now understand the value of, not sure if I have any of them. But I do like to understand things.

Oh and it passed without me noticing, 10 months sober. Might make a year, might not.