I‘ve been in a relationship with another addict for the past four years and have struggled throughout it to develop a healthy situation for us to be in together.  About two years ago, this individual relapsed after 3 years of being clean.  Shortly after I relapsed as well.  Since then, I have been to treatment (inpatient) for three months, lived with him for a year and now I am in a house sponsored for women who are trying to make a better life for themselves.  The man who is 40 years old and has been to prison four times and is currently facing more time although he might get extended probation is using on and off and lying about it to everyone.  I’ve tried to be supporttive and talk some sense into him, but yesterday we went to a meeting.  Actually, I met him there.  And the topic was graditude.  I got up to use the restroom and we were sitting next to a female who has been around before and slept around with a range of men in the rooms.  Before I came around the guy i’ve been with for four years slept around in the same manner and I belive I was told he has slept with her, which I dont doubt.  During our relationship it didnt seem as though he was trying to be with anyone else or anything like that.  The female has just come back from a relapse.  I went to the bathroom, came out and he told me that he stole a iece of paper from me.. meanwhile we are still in the discussion group.  I asked him for what and he said so the female next to him could write down someones number. and every women there had already given them there numbers. So I said who?  and he said oh somebody down at that end.  I said so you didnt give her your number he said NO!  .. like I was crazy..  So then he tells me he gave her his ex whores number to her and I said well so you have that number available to give to her .. how?  He had no answer .  So after the groupp hug I grabed the piece of paper she supposedly wrote on or whaever and it was his name, phone number and email address…. I want to mention there was a time him and i were engaged to marry before the relapse happened.  So I tore up the paper and threw it into his head…  wtf.. I live by morals and principles.  Im actually trying to get better and here he is being completely dishonest about god knows what and then turning it around and telling me im crazy.. no wonder im so insecure and have to question everything he does and he wonders why… Later on, possibly after he had time to think about whaat to tell me.. he says he was giving her his number to fix up her condo so she could move..  okay, now how would that be healthy.. he already works full time and makes good money.  Plus he’s having issues with being clean and shes a freakin newcomer and a know whore.  Now I have no respect for her and will probably never show her any support.. thats ruined.. All this time its supposedly been me that was crazy for questioning..  Im tired of being sick.. and I know how much pain leaving him is going to cause me, but in te long run I wont have to (2nd step) going through one incident after the next.  Im a pretty, young, 29 year old female with a beautiful daughter and I even have a bachelors degree..  I dont get it.. no wonder Im afraid of being hurt and humiliated.. because its happening!!!!  Can anybody relate or ….????  Here I am again trying to be well and I have someone who says he’s supportive of me bringing me to my knees daily!  I am just so tired of going through tis not just with him but the last two long term relationships I was in the men were decieving as well.. Is there anybody out there who wants to be with a good hearted beautiful young lady?

3 Comments
  1. lesameggan 14 years ago

    Hi, any relationship that is going to end will hurt, even if it is a sick one.  You need to concentrate on your recovery.  You need to find you and once you do things will get better.  I chose really bad men in early recovery and relapsed three times before I got it.  Thinking of you and here if you want to chat.  Take care of you.  Hugs, Lesa

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  2. Snowbird 14 years ago

    That man as no respect for you and you deserve much more. IT HURTS to leave someone you think you love or you think love you but there are many men out there who will love you and respect and support you and NEVER lie or cheat. I have struggled with varied lengths of codependancy in every relationship, and it does nothing but make yourself more unhappy. Once you are freed of this relationship and know that noone can be responsible for your own happiness but you, peace will come. I promise. This guy lied to your face! He obviously has some issues of his own and even though we stand by the ones we love, you have to get rid yourself of those ‘people, places and things’. You can do this! And you will never be alone as long as you keep up contact with those who support and love you as a whole. Good luck!

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  3. jjrocksarizona 14 years ago

    no man is worth putting up with that much lies and mystery. the deciet you hace written is not worth the pain you are going through. it’s sad because it’s the pain we earn for the lessons we learn. any of the ladies who wrote to you can help. i am a 55 year male with over 20 years in recovery. my suggestion is you drop this asshole like a bag of hot freaking rocks. you have earned and deserved to be treated with respect as a woman in recovery and a mother of a beautiful child who needs recovery in every aspect of your life right now. make the choice to make your life better and ask God to help you get there.

    you need peace and serenity in your life right now not more chaos. i wish you well and if you want to talk i will be a sounding board for you. stay clean and be good to yourself. life has given the choice. what you choose to do with it is up to you.

     

    NA hugs,

     

    JJ

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