So as i Sit here i am left to thinking about just a lot of stuff… I wrote in my last blog about how my sponsor has me out of relitionships for a year… I will tell you that is probly the best advise she has EVER given  me…. I have found with in the last week that Puling a knife out of the heart does nothing for the pain that it was already feeling… I went to the fireworks here in Chattanooga with a long time friend and we sat there and talked about realitionships and how he was just getting out of one and how i have been out of one now for a while and we realized that the amount of Pain is no different in men as it is in women. and in sharing with him i came to terms with even more about my self… wow what a journey.. but i am kind of wishing that it would end… the following Saturday i got to watch Him move on…. Wow How do you do this… i am thinking that the pain is almost gone and something throws a wrench  right back in it… to bad for me hun??? How do you pretend that everything is all right… how do you look someone in the eyes that you love with all your heart and pretend that nothing is there anymore… I just can not do that… The AA community is SO SO small here that you are bound to run into each other somewhere… so when you go awhile with out seeing Him you think you are OK…. yea well that is my mind just playing tricks on me…then it becomes that i am being rude because i am not sticking around to talk….  then you get to the point of hell i am just going to leave… so i started thinking that and my boss at work asked if i wanted to go over seas for 3-6 months to help open a new site…. man what a dream that would be… but then my sponsor says where ever you go there you are at… dam sponsors…. You know i do not think that i have ever gone threw anything in my life that has lasted this long… and i am having to look at a lot.. and the biggest thing is that hell i was the one that was rejected….. well s*cks to be me….. not really but it sure feels like that sometimes… My girlfriend said Saturday night that you just have to get back on that horse. well that ain't going to happen.. she was so cute Saturday night she threw me into some service work thinking that would help…. yea i took his and her tickets… that helped   lol but in a way i guess it did. I was able to see that his life is moving on and mine needs to. then I start thinking the  4th is coming up… we as a large group are going away… and this was where i was going to ask to be his wife… so i get to go up there knowing how bad i screwed up and coming home not his wife…. WOW….. and before you say  it I have to go…. so i will go with the support of my girlfriends/sisters and be ok…. and lets just pray that i will not find my self face to face with him pretending that all is ok… Because i hate pretending… that just ain't me… well i think that i hve babbled on long enough so i will d\say enough for now… i am going to go do some more praying…



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