It's become clear to me now that I need to make treating depression a top priority. It's hard to think rationally or plan when steeped neck deep in depression. It's hard to see things objectively. I was able to gain perspective and realize it's depression that's cutting me off from any feelings of spirituality and basically robbing me of my life. It's also time to stop the self blame. I didn't choose this and beating depression is not always an act of will. The will can be helpful but sometimes just willing to not be depressed anymore doesn't do it.

People who do not have depression cannot and do not generally understand this. They tend to blame and ostracize. A lot of times I see people move in on the mentally ill for their weakness and vulnerability, and it reminds me of an overcrowded pen of chickens, where if one gets a wound the others peck at it.

There are kind and compassionate people out there, many on this site, but many people I encounter throughout the day are predatory and move in without being aware of their own motivation or weighing right or wrong. They don't know they're acting like pricks but they are.

So I need to definately protect myself from the negative energy I am likely to recieve and have been receiving because of my depression. It is not my fault. I may not have done everything perfectly that I could've to prevent it or keep it from worsening, but the fact of the matter still stands that having depression was not my choice and it's not my fault. Abstaining from alcohol was supposed to aid my health and enrich my life, not thrust me into a living hell of uncontrollable self destructive thoughts, cut me off from feeling positive emotions, drive me to want to be isolated because I can't feel love or connections with other people. My good behavior in abstaining from alcohol was not a mistake that should be punished.

It's just a condition in my foggy head that's always been present throughout most of my life, flairs up quite often, I've never really sought treatment because it's difficult to want to when I'm depressed, and generally it will go into remission on it's own.

This is month upon month. I weighed seeking treatment but that's still not my style, and a prescription of antidepressants costs a lot, with my social anxiety, all the phone calls I'd have to make to insurance companies, talking to someone face to face about a humiliating weakness, and I don't want any sort of paperwork trail confirming any diagnosis for employment reasons. So once again I'm going to go the holistic route. Self-help and natural supplements. But I'm going to make it more of a priority because it finally became clear what part of it is me and what part of it is depression, and how much I've lost of my life. I can't enjoy anything.

I will be stepping it up a bit on the supplement front and trying SamE which has shown promise in some studies. I will make a point to exercise every day, I've done pretty well with that, and I need to keep at it. And also to eat healthy, and a good dose of B-vitamins as well, and a regular bedtime. Oh and some sort of guided meditation, hypnotherapy, rosary, something medatative a day, and it must result in deep relaxation.

I hope just placing it top of my priority list and having the intent to beat it will start to help. And also it will help me to deal effectively with others. I'm just running around out here a crabby dry drunk, when what I really need is stand up and defend my personal boundaries. And say to people, look, punk, back off, I don't have to explain myself to you. Taking time for myself without feeling guilty about it may help a lot. Demanding time and space so I can recover from my illness. Which it is just that. It's an illness. It's not a moral failing. It's a physical problem.