what a productive day i just finished.  yup i painted today.  its tiny and nothing imparticular but on the insist of a co worker and a tarot card reading i picked up a paint brush for the first time in a few years.  it comes and goes with me.  the artsy stuff.  i know im talented, and im not being cocky.  in high school i was offered five hundred dollars for a bronze scuplture that i hadnt even finsihed yet.  i know i have it in me to create these masterpieces of shit.  i just let it sit there though and do nothing.  i just dont have the patiences it takes to get it all out in the perfect way i see it in my head.  thinking, thats my problem, i over analyze everything.  if its not going to bring about some spectacular change then why bother?  god im so tired of feeling like shit.  i want to end it all.  no im going to kill myself, geesh im far too cool for that.  not to mention ive been through too much to take the easy way out now.  thats my point though, what is the reason behind all this fucking mellodramatic bullshit.  i dont recognize myself anymore.  how sad… what has happened to me, where did i get so lost?  its always going to be this way until i do something about it though and i realize that now.  all this pain im feeling, i need to turn it into something constructive not so destructive.  for the last two years ive let myself be wrapped up in grief.  mourning james' death, wanting him back so badly i was slowly killing myself.  wanting to fill the void his death created inside of me with false hopes of a new love.  someone who i thought i would be able to fix the way i couldnt fix james.  i let go of myself in the process.  i have trouble believing in anything these days.  lies become elborate stories and the truth is locked in my heart.  its safe there.  

 so yes i painted today.  and i even attempted to learn how to knit or crochet, whatever its called.  anyone need a scarf?

1 Comment
  1. steveb 13 years ago

    welcome to gods world. you are going thru what you need to get to where he wants you. you don't recognize yourself anymore because you are becoming the woman god wants you to be. when you are ready to let go and let god, creativity will return. don't know about james, but if it is anything like my second wife missy, she took her life by overdosing on heroin. i too miss her everyday. but i realize today that it is ok to miss her, hell i could have been right next to her but for the grace of god. let god have all the shit in your life, all the drama and uncertainties you are having. if you are sincere, he will gladly take them from you. take care and paint on girl. don't deny us the pleasures or your creativity……….steve

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