I have truly veered from my path and although I take steps to move back toward it, I have to work every day not to lose direction and hope. I brought this upon myself the day I tried crack cocaine. I have tried to remain honest with myself about my addiction. I knew when I first took the risk (in my 40s – as insane as that sounds to me) that I may be on a path to a place where I would need help to stop. I have been in complete codependence with my husband. After taking this risk to understand more about his addiction, and to in one way join him because I felt powerless to his addiction, I am left feeling defeated by a substance and tired to the core of my being.
I have experienced much loss and challenge in my life and have learned to feel pain and then use it to learn. I have a great deal of strength, but addiction has taking my ability to harness it. I continually fight a battle with brain chemistry and the power of the drug. I had considered myself someone who does not have the typical addictive gene. Throughout my adult life I have found myself using alcohol or marijuana to cope and celebrate but remained aware of how it could interfere in my life. I never had a problem taking these substances out of my life when I felt it appropriate. Cocaine, however, is different. I now have a true understanding of addiction.
Right now I am having trouble getting past judging myself and returning my focus to the best of myself. I want to have all my power back.I need my strength to support my husband through his addiction. He is motivated to keep this from our lives as well, but I am not confident he will follow through with the help he needs to make the commitment. (His addiction does not have the same patterns as mine and I feel he falls into much more denial than I do). This affects my commitment to quitting, both because we used together and because one of my biggest fears is losing our marriage if I make the commitment and he relapses.
I am afraid to share my story due to being judged. At the same time, I have learned so much about not judging others with addiction. No one can know what another person experiences if they have not been in that place themselves. Even then each of us is different, but we always have the power to choose our attitude towards ourselves and others. I want to focus on making myself better. Part of that for me is sharing the dark and the light of this experience, hoping to support and inspire others who have addiction recovery as part of their lives.
Have patience with me as I am sure I will bounce from past to present and from negative to positive. Share your thoughts and experiences with me and I will make every attempt to respond to you in a timely fashion.