I have truly veered from my path and although I take steps to move back toward it, I have to work every day not to lose direction and hope. I brought this upon myself the day I tried crack cocaine. I have tried to remain honest with myself about my addiction. I knew when I first took the risk (in my 40s – as insane as that sounds to me) that I may be on a path to a place where I would need help to stop. I have been in complete codependence with my husband. After taking this risk to understand more about his addiction, and to in one way join him because I felt powerless to his addiction, I am left feeling defeated by a substance and tired to the core of my being.


I have experienced much loss and challenge in my life and have learned to feel pain and then use it to learn. I have a great deal of strength, but addiction has taking my ability to harness it. I continually fight a battle with brain chemistry and the power of the drug. I had considered myself someone who does not have the typical addictive gene. Throughout my adult life I have found myself using alcohol or marijuana to cope and celebrate but remained aware of how it could interfere in my life. I never had a problem taking these substances out of my life when I felt it appropriate. Cocaine, however, is different. I now have a true understanding of addiction.


Right now I am having trouble getting past judging myself and returning my focus to the best of myself. I want to have all my power back.I need my strength to support my husband through his addiction. He is motivated to keep this from our lives as well, but I am not confident he will follow through with the help he needs to make the commitment. (His addiction does not have the same patterns as mine and I feel he falls into much more denial than I do). This affects my commitment to quitting, both because we used together and because one of my biggest fears is losing our marriage if I make the commitment and he relapses.


I am afraid to share my story due to being judged. At the same time, I have learned so much about not judging others with addiction. No one can know what another person experiences if they have not been in that place themselves. Even then each of us is different, but we always have the power to choose our attitude towards ourselves and others. I want to focus on making myself better. Part of that for me is sharing the dark and the light of this experience, hoping to support and inspire others who have addiction recovery as part of their lives.


Have patience with me as I am sure I will bounce from past to present and from negative to positive. Share your thoughts and experiences with me and I will make every attempt to respond to you in a timely fashion.

1 Comment
  1. epiphany1981 10 years ago

     its painful i know …..i know……it seemd hopeless……its so easy to loose your hope in this……..and your husband isnt able to lift u up like a lot of us as women have been taught a man is supposed to do …..circumstances are there own circumstances and you have to move according to yours……my ex boyfriend was well one of our dealers ……well known for the best of things…how could I not go full blown with my use being surrounded by it ….after our hell of a break up i was lead to numb my pain with cocaine…….years after with much destruction in my life i found myself using what i thought id never use…..they say never say never right? ……my mom was addicted to heroin …crack …..coocaine….and im not sure what else ……the judge said you can not keep your children……you think what you have is enough to not be lead the wrong way but sometimes its not and things still happen……. ive learned to not be mad at myself …..this could of happened……now …..how after so much destruction of me do I return …..and not feel so much pain………. after reading your blog it seems u may be the stronger one over your husband in this and its not his fault it seems ur saying he s been using longer than you ….. im feeling u have to take yourself back to before you were using and he was just using ….. what ever it takes …… and think about wut caused you to start ….im feeling being around it which i know the feeling of and maybe someother things……. imagine and place yourself in that place again like going back in time……then take yourself forward and see what has occured in the now that u know would have not happened with out the addiction ….you have time …..u can do it …..believe …….look at wut you told me to my blog and I appreciated it  …….I wish u the best Im here if u need to talk ………

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