feel so broken right now, and i hate myself for feeling this way. the awful way i feel a lot of the time has blighted most of my life. i don’t think its just about my past, i really think its chemical, an imbalance. i cant seam to think straight. im on meds at the moment but i think they are making me worse. feeling suicidal again. had a rough few weeks and im exhausted so that could be it… maybe. Im so full of fear for my children, the older two, they are beginning to behave a lot like me. i dont know if its learnt from me, if they really are depressed of wether they are just playing the cards they know will get to me. It always seams to be when i have to say no. then they tell me “youl regret this” as they storm out the house, or they will threaten to kill themselves, and then ill give in and do whatever they want. its not all the time, just now and then but it puts the fear of god into me. I just dont know whats normal, my childhood wasnt, i know that, and things have never been easy as an adult but iv allways put my kids first. I love them so much. there have been times when i havnt been able to cope, freaking out, cryng,but i thought i kept most of it away from them. now im not so sure, im so worried iv messed them up to. keep thinking of the suicide attempt when i was 17, if it had worked i would have spared all these people the pain, makes me think i should go now, before i do more damage. cant seam to get anything right. God im so full of self pity. i know i should pull myself together but i havnt got the strength, just so much going on. im so tierd.

1 Comment
  1. FIRENGINERED 12 years ago

    I am crying as I respond. I am reading "eat pray love" and it is doing me good. Not perfect. I bought a bottle of wine today. However, I don”t know if I will drink it all and I don”t know what tonight might bring. I am trying to have faith for the first time in my life. Real life, on moment at a time fairth. Just put your head on the ground and ask what you should do. Repeat a million times if necessery. I will be doing the same.

     

    Best Wishes,

    Jules

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