I've been missing home alot more lately. I know that things aren't going really good here right now, and I know that they'll probably get worse, but the thing is…I don't really care. It's like deep down I don't feel worried about it, I don't feel happy about it, I don't feel depressed..I don't really feel anything deep down inside. I know it's bad but I figure I have things I need to do so it can wait.

My boyfriend has been thinking of going into either the army or the navy. He's been talking about for the last year or so but since we started dating I told him not to join because I didn't want to lose him…now I'm starting to see things his way. If he were in the army or navy he'd be happy and I'd have a chance at getting my life back. We've already said that if he goes into the military then I'll go back to California because one of the things that he wishes he'd never done was take me away from California because I was happy there. I had friends, an active social life, a job, my own place, everything.

So now I'm starting to help him get into a branch of the military. He's going to get some of the material for the test so that I can help him study. He wants to get as high of a score as he can, I'm hoping that he gets a high score so that way he won't be out on the front lines or anything. He mainly wants to go into the military to see the world, and because it will pay and he'll also get medical benefits and he doesn't see risking his life as a bad thing if he's getting all those things in return. We already know that he can pass the physical part, but he's going to have to study like crazy because he hasn't used anything that he learned in school since he was in school.

The way I see it is that he'll be gone to boot camp and then I go back to California and get a job and my own place again and get my life back and then when he's done with boot camp he'll either get deployed immedeatly or he'll have some time. And I figure that whatever happens happens. I already told him that if he goes into the army or navy I'll write him letters and not see anyone else as long as he keeps in contact with me and doesn't see anyone else, or cheat or anything. And if he doesn't hold up his end then it'll be over and I'll have my own life and move on. Is it bad that I don't really care if I lose him? That I don't care if we're together or not once I'm in California and have my life again.

I don't know. I know that once I go back to California I'm going to spend more time away from home then there because of my friends. I haven't seen them since February and already their fighting over who's house I'm going to sleep over at first, or who I'm going to go to the club with first or something whenever I go back.