I never say the right thing.
I never have the "right" friends. I have been judged all my life cause of my friends, and even now, i’m 22 almost 23, and it continues.
I remember coming to DT for help/support and just to talk to others who have gone through/are going through the same thing. Now .. I just don’t know.. I feel as though i’m not getting anywhere with DT. I just don’t understand how there can be so much hatred on such a site. It hurts. It really does. And the sad thing is there is nothing I can do to stop it.
I really want to stop/or limit my coming on here, but i’m not sure I can go on without the support of those on here that i do concider friends. There are the haters out there, that say that we are all "Fake" or these "friends" are not real. I disagree. I think everyone is here for a purpose, and more fool me if I try to understand these so called "attention seekers". I guess i’m just the type that tries to help, and right now, I feel as though that I shouldn’t even do that.
I question myself every day. About every little thing. It seems to me that I make the wrong decisions. Why do I do this? Is there something that attracts me to the wrong decision? Maybe I just like to be hated? This could be possible. No, I don’t think so. I’m quite the opposite. I’m a people pleaser, therefore I try to make everyone happy. I’m not very good at it, and end up being hated by everyone. Its been like since I was a child, and I guess things never change. Thats just the way it goes.
I truly with I had courage. If I could be anyone, I’d be the lion from the Wizard Of Oz. I am the cowardly lion. I do need a heart also, and a Brain, but the courage I would like most. I have no self confidence, and when i was seeing the psycologist, she commented on this. I’m affraid of rejection, and i’m affraid of failure. This is partly, actually mostly why I want to drop out of my classes. I have so much self doubt that It makes it so hard to even imagine me completing the class sucessfully. My self esteem is non existant.
I am envyious of those who can speak thier mind. I really am. I will never be one of those. I’m too weak and too usless to do anything. I have to come to terms with this fact. I really do. It’s something that eats at me. I go to write something, then I change it. I just can’t be confident enough to say anything.
i’m so alone in this place. I really am. I can’t say what I feel anywhere without editing myself. Even in my blogs. I would like to say something, but then feel like I can’t. There is no where safe for me. I don’t belong anywhere. I am a drifter. A nomad. I am singular, and will always be like that.
I have cried so much these last few days. I wanted to come on here to feel a bit better. I’m not there yet. Maybe I will never be.