Suicide seems so appealing at times especially when you feel all alone. Trapped, strangely though by choice, in a place I feel I do not belong at all. However, after spenting two days shutting everyone out, I think I found the answer I needed to hear from myself. Relentless pain and guilt of how things turned out with myself has always been issue, but what really hinders me is the fact I've become an introvert because of it all. Back then, when I really needed someone; to be encouraged, to argue with, to laugh, to cry on, to be held, there was no one to fit such a role. There were times the pain alleviated because I either sunk it into another habit, addiction, or person whom I inevitabely drove away. It's affected my relationships with so many. Despite knowing this, it continued to ravaged me from within. It's always been so tough to find the right words or courage to just simply say what is on my mind. Things that should've been said or done at some point in time have all become either forgotten opportunities or regrets that I reflect on. Even when talking with my best friends, I have such a difficult time just saying how I feel. Some times it's become times where I just don't know how to react to it. My parents were providing me with what I needed in terms of physical goods, but there was always a lack of affection. I always felt left out or unheard. Friends were far to none and those that were around took advantage of me. Even when I knew otherwise, the need was greater than the falsehood of friendship. I felt wanted even if it was a lie in their eyes. Now it's tough to know how to react to actual need. I feel so estrange to it at times and it even feels forced upon. How could I let things turn out so terribliy? I ended up so depressed and reliant on those who helped. Barely capable of being self sufficient. The drive that people need to go on in life seems like such a distant thing for me. Where is my true self? The one who used to be so driven to do what was needed. The one that was always strong no matter what.
I truly am lost in this stream of consciousness. Drifting deeper into this depression and ultimately facing either my pursuit of life or my demise.