I havent blogged for a while – not alot has happened since I last came online. I’ve pushed most of my friends away – I noticed my phone has stopped calling, fine because the phone gives me anxiety and I dont like people talking to me.
I have warped thinking.
My partner and I had a huge fight the other night – the be all end all. I want to break up our family, I feel like I dont deserve them. I told hubby I want him to forget about me, take my oldest child and go far away and get married and have more kids to a woman who loves him and treats him right. I told him I wish I didnt have the second child to him.
I think he was in so much pain from my emotionaless bitch at him, he knew right away that this wasnt me talking, and he said to me – I’m going to forget you said all that because your ill. I burst out crying, the first time in weeks and I said I couldnt use the phone to ring, he had to do it for me. I know this sounds so pathetic, but I just get so overwhelmed doing a simple thing like call someone that I think I am going to have a heart attack. I have been putting of socail situations with my friends, pushing all my online friends away, I just dont know why I do it. I think maybe I do it to hide how I am on the outside, like the cracks are starting to show and I am afraid if anyone sees them they are going to judge me. I went to my doctor yesterday, I am so thankful hubby held my hand and took me, I really feel like a 6 year old. I have no confidence at all. I was put onto Lexapro as that was what I was on before, but I have to wean my baby who is six months old. I didn’t know you can take antidepressants that dont mess with your breatmilk so I dont know why the doctor didnt prescibe them to me. Actually I dont think that doctor is very good…I am so scared and nervous of doctors anyway, I am just relieved it worked out smoothly and that no-one asked me for a pap-smear (only because I hadnt had a shower for two days lol) ew.
I have so many issues relating to doctors, I just DONT trust them. Not since I was butchered open with my daughter and felt them cut me. But that is a different story. I was told I would be on a waiting list for three months as I dont have private health cover. But today I got a phonecall from a psychologist – Mathew, he asked me if I was okay, and all I wanted was for him to come and scoop me up and take me away. I told him how many times Ive tried to kill myself, how many major depressive episodes I have had, and my family history. I also said I cant cope at home and I am feeling overwhelmed and isolated living 6000kms away from everyone. I am also having warped thoughts and feelings of things that arnt true.
So Mathew has organised me to come into clinic on monday and have a chat about what is going on in my life and see if I need a rest. I worry if I am hospitalised again, this time with children if I they will be okay. I have decided my hubby will look after my four year old and she can go to day care during the day, and I will bring my baby with me if need me. No stress at all. I still havent taken my Lexapro and I feel pissed of I paid $30 for my script because I cant wean baby. I tried giving her a bottle but she refuses to drink from it. Anyway so thats my update. I want to get better!:sad: