this is where things once again get tricky. do you remember the venn diagram? well, it’s sort of like that. once again, i was living two different lives. i was living the “good christian soldier” life and the “true to myself” life. those two “lives,” were completely different and opposing. each “part,” was aware of the other, but neither one could survive in the other’s world.
the “good christian soldier,” was a “character” that i “played,” a part of me. she was broken down, re-molded, groomed (and, this word choice wasn’t a mistake.), and programmed to make other people happy…and, to make jesus, pretty damn, motherfucking happy…or so i was told. her only purpose in life was service to others, including important people at the church, like the pastor.
she was to be seen and not heard. she was supposed to be obedient and submissive. she was never allowed to speak of anything remotely personal…everything was to be kept quiet, swept under the rug, and if things ever seemed wrong, “fishy,” or strange…she was to take her mother’s word for it…when she told her, that her perceptions were off.
and, her mother constantly sang the song, <i>onward christian soldiers. </i>that set the tone for church on sunday nights and mornings, sunday school, as well as wednesday awana nights. yes, the song was a reminder of what was expected and required. it’s also a trigger for me. some of the lyrics: “onward christian soldiers, marching as to war, with the cross of jesus, going on before…”
she was being prepared and sent off to “battle.” for her, everything was a battle. the “good christian soldier,” had to fight every urge and desire to just flee. she had to suck it all up and just keep it to herself. there were frequent battles, at church, at home, and at school…to remain present, as the “good christian soldier,” because the “true to myself life,” was always fighting to be heard and acknowledged.
***i’m stopping at this point. everything that i spent all day writing, has vanished…poof…now, i’ll finish this later or tomorrow. ***