There’s simply nothing else to do about it. That’s what I’ve been told. I’ve also been told that the situation is positioned badly on my part. And that my friends didn’t really believe me in the beginning, and some still don’t.
Where does that leave me?
It leaves me with nobody to trust right now. I can’t talk to my friends because most, if not all, of them don’t trust me or my side of the story. Not just that, but they wouldn’t know what to do with the situation even if they believed it was true. And, of course, they’re friends with the one person who I can’t really stand anymore (but end thinking of every day because I mean my mind is just a carnival). To top it all off, said unpleasant person is spreading my business – the business he said would stay in between us – to other people, who continue the gossip chain. There are now old schoolmates, friends’ family members, and at least one person in the college I’m planning to attend who know of such a dark secret that, on surface value, makes me look really bad. Of course, there’s a lot more details and a lot more explanation and a lot more pain behind the story, but of course that’s not the version of the story that’s been spreading around. And the friend of mine who knew about the gossip told the rest of our friend group before telling me about it. So, in summary, it’s normal high school drama on steroids and I’m in the middle of it all.
I’m struggling with everything now. Not that I wasn’t ever not struggling, because there was always some kind of struggle within my mind. I’m tired of remembering over and over again what happened and feeling all my emotions resurface. Every morning, I wake up and remember. But of course I dream about it every night too so..
I don’t know what to do. To be honest, there’s really nothing I can do. I don’t know what the proper label is for the situation, because it’s in the grey zone. I don’t know how to act anymore. I don’t know what to do with myself.
I’m really tired of everything. My friends don’t believe me, they’re not even there for me when I need them, I have to see the person I never want to see every day of school, I can’t talk to anyone about what’s going on. I feel alone.
It’s hard for me to cry sometimes. I don’t know if it’s because I’m losing my emotional touch, or if it’s just because I’m ignoring everything. But I want to cry, I just can’t find it in me to. I listen to sad music, I try to force the tears, but it’s really hard.
Everything is turning wrong, and I kind of just want to die. I’m tired of living, but scared of dying. And I don’t know what to do anymore.